IWill

IWill 2021-07-10 09:52 - 8 minute read

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A wife's respect and happiness in her new home is complete responsibility of a HUSBAND

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Ever Since I had been married to Akshay, I had felt like I was alone and without any support in my husband's home...

Even though it was a marriage of our choice, after marriage my husband just left me and my care on myself and his family... 

His family who did not really know me and had their rules that they wanted me to follow whether or not they were going to choke me...

I remember I would be criticised and commented on my dressing, my waking up time, what I said, who I spoke to and who I missed greeting in the family, how was I different than them...And this 24*7 non acceptance of me as a person in my husband's home was breaking me...

And yet when I would tell this to my husband,

I would tell him that this doesn't feel like home and that I don't like how I am treated,

he would say these are talks between you women...

You handle it on your own... This is not my responsibility...Like seriously?

If I would feel sad and lonely and I would want him to comfort him, he would say that my "mood swings" are not something he can help with and that I had to learn to be happy in my new home, make new relationships and not expect him to change his life just so that I could be happy...

I remember he bought a gift for me and someone in his home made a comment and he actually said sorry for getting something for me while forgetting others... In that moment, the gift that he gave me lost all its charm... Couldn't he have said that she is my wife and my duty to see she is looked after...But no, that was 

I was shocked... I did not understand why my husband did not feel accountable for me? 

I was shocked to see how he only loved me when he had his mood but when it came to actually supporting me, taking me as his responsibility, he just looked the other way... 

I was so unhappy that even my tears did not wash my pain... I decided to take a call and I told my husband that we should go for therapy as our expectations from marriage and understanding of our role in each other's life is totally different... 

We started IWill therapy..Therapist after listening to the issues that we were having asked my husband, what did he think his responsibility was as a husband..

He said it was to see that she was happy and taken care of .. But he added that my wife should be cautious of making me involved in her fights, making her 

She gave us an experiment and asked me to live with my wife at her place and see how I feel independent there, and feel when my wife is in her set up and no I. We had to go there anyways... So ge agreed. 

And after 3 days of our stay when our therapist asked my husband how did he feel about this ? 

"Me and my wife were at home for 3 days... And there I did not get what I wanted to eat. Like I liked my breakfast light but it was heavy as my wife is from a punjabi family...My wife did not tell my preferences and so I had to eat what was cooked... When my wife was giving more time to her parents, who I otherwise liked, just because I was lonely and alone and in her environment, it made me angry that she divided her attention off me... I was unhappy of how she could be ignorant of my needs. 

When she did something for me and just out of her care, her mother told her of why did she bother to do this as there were servants or her mom could have cooked for me and she said well sorry, I felt really bad.. 

I felt like why did she not say, well mom he is my husband and this is my responsibility towards her... 

I was getting bored and I asked her to sit next to me and she said she has a plan with her old school friend who she hasn't met for a while...And as she left, I felt really bitter. I blamed her for I WAS alone in her home because she was busy...I felt bad how she was so indifferent.. " 

So the therapist said, well I understand how you felt... But in the same way  just like in her setup, your wife s responsible for your wellbeing, because she is in charge of her environment, in your home, it's your duty to stand up for her small and big pains.. 

The fights that she may be getting pulled to are there because she married you... The adjustments, the calls for her to change and who she is,  are only coming because there is a pressure on her to fit in your world.

And if this is paining her, it's your responsibility to make sure that you stand by her so that she can gain acceptance...

That she is not cornered...You felt bad that she could not assert for your right breakfast.

She is feeling so bad because there is lot more that is changing for her, each day, much faster and its threatening her identity...And it's your responsibility as a husband to make sure her identity, her roots, her ways are preserved...

You need to stand up for her...

 

Just like, you felt bad that your mother in law, even in a sweet gesture to ask someone else to cook food for you, because you thought why, is my wife not responsible for me?

She felt even more worse when you APOLOGISED for buying something for her...It was like she had no right on you.. She would have imagined you to react in a different way, of course taking care of your elder's sensitivities but with that yours too...

 

And my husband could understand how he had hurt me. How by not taking my responsibility, he had pushed me into this pain...How I did not  deserve what had happened to me...

In the next phase of therapy, we started improving upon our relationship... He started taking care of me, intertwining his life with me.

He also starred standing up for me... If someone commented on how I looked, he would say before I could say that he loved my style and it was unique...If someone made a comment on how your wife is never there at family functions like other women, my husband would say well she works. She has her own life too. And I like that about her...Seeing that he stands up for me when I was targeted unfairly no matter by whom, I liked it... Once I made a plan for movie and my brother in law said, bhabhi hope you asked mummy...My husband said well to go for a movie with her own husband, she does not need permission..I had tears because even these small things were difficult for me, earlier

 

And I started making my own life with it too...I too needed friends and my own world... My happiness was my responsibility too!

But I shared this article because not just me,

I have seen women around me, being treated just like that.

Responsibility of a man is still emphasised around his family and a woman that gets into marriage, giving it her all , breaks with it !This needs to change...As this is the leading cause of depression in women! 

When you marry her, marry her dreams too, her happiness too. Just like you and your family, she is a full human, with a soul and a heart and a life! She cannot be dumped and forgotten about... You are not her responsibility alone. She is yours too. Your family is not her responsibility alone, her family is yours too... !

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