IWill

IWill 2022-12-25 12:31 - 6 minute read

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Be on your own & never beg for love from toxic people & get insulted by them everytime. I damaged my mental health trying for this 

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Oh they don't invite only you? You should talk to them and try to be good to them... They are very important in the family.

She looked at me. I touched her feet. She didn't respond at all, as though I am some useless person. I felt so strange but nevertheless I continued to be there trying to look "good". After all isn't this expected from a woman?

I would buy gifts, call, try and be always nice. I would sit there, do things for them, only to find them picking on my smallest of thing, schooling me all the time as to what I should be doing and generally ignoring me and trying to show each other all the love and telling me how I need to take care of others.

I would be hurt by them, ignored snd then compared with others. I would cry and then still run and try each time to gain their praise, to show them small wins I made, only to find that they always felt terrible about my success and would try and do everything to make me feel less about my achievements.

 

While all of this was happening, the worst thing I did to myself was to try and make them approve of me.

To try so hard to fit in, at my expense was my mistake.

To try and see in their eyes respect for me and changing was my worst mistake.

The toxicity never went away. It only increased. 

And the more I tried, the more I would be hurt. They would always find a reason to break me.

I felt so less about myself.

I felt so little in this company.

I felt so less loved and very empty.

My mental health was broken 

I didn't have any goals, nor have any happiness within me.

I felt like my role was just take abuse and please others.

 

But the pain this triggered made me start having suicidal thoughts. I started hating my life and I felt completely miserable. Life was so heavy that I wasn't able to take it anymore.

 

This is when that I urgently took help, I needed medication but I needed therapy too, as I needed someone who is a professional to talk to me, help me feel somewhat better about myself, help me just say my pain

I joined IWill therapy and it was here that my therapist helped me see one thing, that I needed to prioritise my mental health.

I needed to not feel so weak and so over.

I had a lot of life in me. I could have a career.

I needed a life outside all this hurt and pain.

 

She helped me refocus on the person who mattered, and that was me.

 

She forced me to think things that made me happy and adopt them.

To do things for my happiness because I deserved these.

She helped me prioritise my career once again and have a goal of my own.

She helped me see that "No one decides my self worth and that I am not reduced if someone refuses ro give me respect"

This helped me so much and therapy worked as my consyant support. I started not unning back or comparing myself or trying to prove my worth in their eyes.

I started having a life of my own. I started having a circle. And the more I got love, the more I got respect, the more I realised my worth and the damage these relationships had caused me.

Today I don't speak to them as much and they don't invite me to their "parties", "get-togethers". But who cares. They were toxic for me, they caused me mental health issues 

I am happy being invited in company of people who love me. I am away from this toxic mess. The disconnect is helping me. The boundary has protected my mental health.

No matter what your situation, if you are with toxic people, you need boundaries. If you are hurting and exhausted, you need help. Don't compromise on your mental health. Don't lose yourself. You are the only one you have.

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