IWill

IWill 2021-10-19 10:40 - 4 minute read

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Dear husband stop judging me & see the treatment I get at your home too

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I and my husband were taking IWill therapy sessions. This is a summary from one of the sessions:

The therapist at IWill said :


Being judgmental is being critical of someone very quickly, usually in an unfair way.

What has been happening in the case of you as husband and wife are a lot of judgments and little understanding for each other. This is what needs to change.

Husband asked how am I being judgemental to her?

And therapist at IWill replied, rather than seeing Amaira’s pain and issues, you are convinced she is wrong.

For example, as you mentioned, you feel

She doesn’t like your parents. She doesn’t want to love them.
She has problems adjusting. She doesn't want to give respect to your values and things at your home.


She doesn’t know how to be happy. She is always upset and never happy in your home.
She is too nagging and always telling you what she didn’t do for you.


While you focus on this one side of her issues, you have completely ignored the other side.

What is driving her sadness?
What is she unable to adjust to?
Why is she always telling you she is unhappy and why are fights happening?

 


The reality is that there is another side too. This needs to be acknowledged only then a solution can come.

Her sadness is coming from a lack of acceptance. You yourself mentioned everyone is usually telling her what to do, she is seen as a fit enough for the home. No one seems to be truly impressed or happy with who she is. This is what is breaking her self-respect. She loved herself. She knew she is a good person. The inability of others to now see this is making her feel restless and also helpless!

She feels like an outsider when no one considers her wishes. You are important, your sister is. Your careers are. Your needs are. Your rest.

You can sit on the sofa and chill when you are back from work. You can be tired. She can’t be any of it in your home.

She is seen in a different light many times when she rests. Like she shared that some other day she was made to feel miserable when she slept because her mom-in-law had to cook food. In normal homes, we all accommodate each other. She is a family member too.

She is not unhappy as a person. It’s hard to be happy right now for her because you and she don’t yet have a bond. You have your friends, this is your family. She only has you and she is unable to be loved and accepted by people around. It’s tough to be happy in such a space for anyone. This needs to change.

She is having difficulty with your family members may be because conversations are all around what she should not wear, how she should speak to you, that she should not expect time with you and focus on being a good daughter in law and that you are responsible for your family, that nothing fro you is above your family: these discussions can bring in insecurity and also hurt that ego or unsettle a person!

As my husband was listening to this in therapy, he was compelled to see about the other side too! The other side that was me... I wasn’t all wrong, I wasn’t the one who was problematic!

These sessions over a period of 4 months have completely changed our relationship, yes I do feel bad that these things should have been naturally understood by my husband.

But the conditioning, the dynamics, the being stuck between people your own can sometimes cloud thinking and also make people not know what the right thing to do is.  And so therapy at IWill helped with this tremendously!

Before judging someone it’s important to understand what’s causing their pain

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