IWill

IWill 2022-05-17 12:39 - 4 minute read

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Depression made me completely empty and yet people around blamed me. It was insensitive

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I was one of the happiest people around. People who know me would say she is always laughing, she makes everyone happy, I had always energy in me! 

But then my life changed completely. 

I was in love with someone who loved me but was also full of their own self, and ego and came from different conservative family backgrounds. 

I really loved the person a lot and to make the relationship work, I broke myself! I just forgot about my career, my life and only one thing remained, how to make this relationship work... 

Eventually, things got somewhat better but I was lost. My career was gone, my trust was gone, my heart was in pain...

I felt I had no value... I would cry... 

I would feel isolated...

My thoughts would keep haunting me!

I would wake up and feel what had my life become now.. and I just was empty... 

 

I felt only pain, only exhaustion... 

And worst was that still, people around me would blame me... 

 

Don’t be so negative... 

you cry and make others also feel bad... 

Your attitude needs to change... 

Don’t want to talk to you, you really Drain!

 

 

And worst was to listen to “you don’t know how to be happy”... the happiest person around who was broken and blamed for being carefree was now getting to listen to this... 

I really felt like my life was useless... 

My days, months, and years had passed with things only becoming worse for me!

My friend one day asked me to seek therapy... she said therapy is the treatment for depression. I had my doubts... how would therapy undo what all I had lost? 

 

How would talking to someone change people around me? What would be different in my life when all was lost! 

I still joined IWill therapy after some research... 

 

Therapy really helped me so much...

It helped me undo the damage to my self-concept... it made me connect back to the happy person I was... therapist’s one hour every week would make me feel like I had worth like I matter. 

 

She cared to listen to my pain and help resolve it. 

My thoughts were not “drama” to her... they meant that my pain was real. 

She didn’t feel irritated that I was so “negative”. She felt empathetic... 

Therapy also helped me make changes in my life with her help. Assertion, focus on self, picking my career up, changing my habits that were bringing me down, having faith in me... all worked together.. 

 

Within 3 months I started feeling myself again.

I cry when I write this that I started feeling like I must live that I have a purpose too, after so long! 

I have joined my work again! I am taking care of myself... I cry but I know that I matter... 

I know that I have to be happy for myself, I have to make the best of my life, and holding on to past pain, past patterns of broken feelings only break me today and I deserve better!!!

I don’t want to be drowning in helplessness anymore.. 

People around me who chose to break me further even when I was depressed don’t matter anymore!!!

I have chosen myself. I am no longer wanting to not exist. I want to live, be, achieve, make myself proud and never look back.

I am glad I have this power now. And everyone around can see it! I have redeemed myself and rose from the phoenix 

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