IWill

IWill 2022-09-22 03:27 - 4 minute read

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Family responsibility dumping on me as wife and ignoring my needs as husband is worst. I won't be taking it anymore 

IWill blogs

You must go and pick up my sister. She is coming from the airport.

My whole family is coming. Host well. Take a leave from your job.

There is that birthday event in the family. You have to go, because I can't go.

You didn't meet my aunt? You must do that. These relationships are important.

Why were you standing there? You should talk and impress anyone... it's important that everyone in my family likes you....They all.matter to me.

 

My husband the perfect family man had outsourced all his duties to me. I should attend functions, host guests, call everyone, leave my work to attend distant family functions and socilaize and please everyone... and while he had the freedom to focus on his work....

If I would say something about my needs too, he would attack me and say, his work was more important, he contributed more... he had no emotions for my work or he didn't feel the need to see what I needed from him

For him this was a one sided relationship, where everything that was needed had to be done by me. He would not even talk to me in the same way in front of others, he wanted to show like he had this complete control on me.

A very typical conservative veiw of what a wife should be.

I felt so humiliated, isolated and treated poorly.

This was an arranged marriage, he also belonged to a level above me when it came to family, his earnings... I felt stuck and really when I felt too insulted or ignored, the only thought I would get of escape was to kill myself... I was broken and tired...

 

I joined IWill therapy as I didn't want to harm myself, I wanted a way out. I needed love, I needed someone to guide me to do what is best for me.

My therapist at IWill really helped me tremendously. First thing she helped me was to build my own self esteem, I felt so little of myself and so inadequate and that was letting me take abuse or being so fearful that this is the end of the World for me. Like I had nothing else left in me, this thinking was wrong.

She then helped me assert, focus on my career, prioritise, speak for myself and stop the wrong from happening to me. She helped me see the importance of communicating but not isolating self.

She asked me to stop punishing myself further for poor behavior or lack or understanding that was already breaking me.

Through therapy, she helped me focus on my career again, my life again. I started going out with friends, saying no when I couldn't leave work, confronting if need be but not breaking down.

I started standing up for myself. When my husband would treat me like I had no life outside what he wanted, i made sure he understands that this is unacceptable for me

That I won't do this at my expense, that it was unfair to put weight of relationships that he wanted to nurture, on me, when at the same time he wasn't even there for me.

I was and I am no robot. He may join therapy with me too and let's see where that takes us, but by working on myself, I have to come a point where no amount of drama convinces me to Harm my own mental health.

I have learnt to stand ,say no, assert for self

Marriage works both ways. And marriage first is for individuals.

I am nor going to be a dumping bag for family responsibility when I am isolated and treated like I don't even exist or have emotions or desires.

Rohini Mishra 

 

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