IWill

IWill 2022-12-05 02:25 - 4 minute read

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Fear of being left alone and abandonment and ignorance of loved one was breaking me

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I always was a dependent person. I needed emotional support, love of others to feel good. That's true for most people, we all need love.

But in my case I would have severe fear of abandonment.

I had severe fear that my loved ones would leave me or if they ignore me for others, they would be gone forever.

And this fear of abandonment wasn't something that I had from the start. It developed when I got married. I had just such high hopes of my marriage and our union.

But my partner would always leave me for other things. They would give preference to work, friends, family. And I would be alone, waiting.

I had to struggle to make my presence felt, that I was important to them but they always gave me a cold shoulder. I would cry, be alone and I would be blamed for over expectations, for being wanting to control. 

When I would stop them from going or ask for their time, they would never listen and leave me behind... suggesting I was over expecting or that I wanted control.

 

Being alone in that room, being unloved, being not given love without asking for it over and over again and this constant comparison to make me feel less, that broke me.

 

Soon I became so scared to be abandoned, unloved. I would go at lengths to feel secure. I would cry, hurt myself by nor eating just to overcome this fear that had taken over me. 

 

I had lost my personality. I saw myself also tolerating bad behavior of others, at work, at friends only to not being made to feel this way again.

I just was not myself anymore. I was scared. I was depressed. I had lost that strength within me. 

I wanted to stand up to my partner but couldn't. I wanted to let go of fake relationships but couldn't. I was weak, I felt there is no place for me if I am alone and this fear was breaking me.

I decided to seek help, to work on myself, to get better, to stop this fear. And I took IWill therapy sessions.

I was suffering already from anxiety but also from trauma of being in a marriage where I was made to feel unneeded.

My therapist helped me to first do things that make me feel happier, wanted. She helped me spend time with myself.

She helped me hold on to this urge to beg people for attention. She helped me build strength to not take abuse for someone's time.

She helped me step by step focus on areas of self growth, work and spending time with people who truly needed me and loved me.

She also helped me disconnect talking to people who spoke constantly about comparing me to others and comparing who loves who more. This was toxic and it wasn't something I needed to engage in

She helped me, coached me to feel secure in myself.

She encouraged me to do activities on my own, to become financially independent, to become my own person.

 

I stopped begging for love. I didn't want to stop someone to spend time with me.

I wouldn't seek validation of someone's time to make me feel worthy again.

I had a job, I had goals. I had happiness. I didn't take abuse, I didn't feel less. The best thing that happened to me was to get beyond this fear of abandonment! This fear was breaking me, my strength and I am glad I am over it.

 

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