IWill

IWill 2022-01-11 01:16 - 2 minute read

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I am a mother in law and this is what I have to say about son and daughter in law relationship

Manjula Shukla

I know as mothers we really are conditioned to expect a lot from our son. This is also because our husbands too did the same...

We suffer as wives... And then we wait for our son to bring happiness to us, sometimes thinking his happiness is there in being only with us and we would be the perfect unit for life...

This is where we as mothers need to change. We are mistaken and we are causing harm...

Your son and your daughter in law just like you and your husband, need each other... That is the unit that is going to be there till the end of. time... You need to accept them as a couple, as a unit, and see your life through that lens...

Their happiness, the fun that they can have, the careers and joys they can share being of the same generation and having the same path, you cannot... If you really wish that your son should be happy, then he should have experiences he would love to have. And those will be more possible if he has a stronger sharing bond with his wife...

 

But here is what we get all wrong... I got it wrong too... 

When my son got married, I thought he is drifting away from me... I felt very hurt because of this...

 

I don't know but somehow my behavior started changing.

I would remind him of what all I did for him and he has forgotten me.

That he spends more time with her and I feel lonely and now feel my old life will be bad.

That I don't like how his wife is and would have been happier if he allowed me to make that choice for him.

That he was ignoring me because I was old and not as "fun or lively" but I was his mother and had sacrificed everything to raise him up...

 

And it did work. My son got really concerned that his old mother is alone and started juggling between me and his wife, to the point of eventually ignoring his marital life. 

Needless to say, I could see how stressed he looked. How many fights and anger they both had. I see how he was unhappy. The charm, he had when he was with his wife was now gone... 

He looked unhappy, always pretending, always acting to please me...

I COULD see his marriage was ruined... And yet it kept going on...

I still was in this delusion that this is the best because I couldn't see anything beyond my emotional discomfort coming with the thought of having him love someone else more than me... 

 

One day I overheard that they were in IWill therapy... They were having sessions here... And my daughter-in-law was depressed... I felt really bad that day... I am not a bad human... I was just insecure...

I too joined IWill therapy, just to see how I can lessen my pain...  I was paired to quiet a senior female therapist, must be 60+ years of ages and I thought she would definitely feel like me... But what she shared and helped me see in sessions was eye-opening...

She helped me see how in reality that this short-term attachment was drifting my son and his wife away from me for life. 

She helped me see how much my son needs his wife right now and she needs him and I need both of them as a unit.

She helped me SEE THAT I TOO CAN HAVE AND MUST HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN.

I needed to live for myself, be strong, and happy... and have my own circle... I wasn't over yet...

She helped me see how much this imbalance will eventually scar my son's life.

 

Sessions with my senior therapist at IWill were therapeutic and gave me a different perspective not just on how I should be with my son but also how should I be with me...

I have found myself and the strength that I don't need to be insecure... I have love, care of my children... And I need to also have a life of my own... 

If you are engaging in guilt-tripping your children, if you feel tough to let them move on, if there is drama happening in the family, STOP and seek help! 

You and your children DESERVE BETTER. My daughter-in-law and I are really close now, and she loves me just as my daughter...

I have now two kids except for one... Think with your heart and do the right thing as parents! (For booking sessions with IWill therapy download the app and begin now App LINK: https://epsyclinic.page.link/ezHe )

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