I became a mother but I was deprived of the joy. It was so depressing. My story of postpartum struggles and how I came out

IWill blogs

I was well cared for all 9 months. The day I delivered and within 2 days it became all about the baby.

I loved my baby too but I had stitches. I was pampered so much physically and here I was lying with stitches in pain, only being schooled on breast feeding this and that.

Within a few weeks, people only saw mistakes in me..this is ain't right. Why diaper at night? Why so less feed. Why so this and that, everything would invite a remark and I would become so scared.

I felt lonely and everybody would be comparing the baby, but no one compared it to me. As though I wasn't beautiful enough or the baby couldn't go on me. Decisions on names being discussed. Everybody claiming their right as though I don't exist.

 

And then if I talk of my career already, then I am being selfish.

If the baby cries, what have I done.

Father can play and its a big deal but me with the baby all day who cares.

I know this community won't get me wrong.

I love my baby more than anyone else, it was the less of myself that was bothering me, loss of empathy, loss of respect and only blame and lectures. No appreciation, no space and when it came, it was few and far between.

I felt depressed. I was always at home. And if I looked messy, that too was my fault, everybody telling me how I had to doll up or look this way or that way or my husband will lose all interest.

I joined iwill therapy on recommendation of my gynecologist and it was here in therapy that my therapist validated my feelings.

She asked me to stand up for self, ask husband and others to participate and call out any rude and one sided behavior.

She helped me get back on track and focus on my career again. She helped me speak my mind and not judge me for being tired, of having a genuine headache because of baby crying, of seeing the person, the human in me as much as the woman and it healed me.

I started accepting snd feeling not guilty of my emotions.

I started recognising the need to be an individual, a woman and a self respecting and commanding respect person to be a mother.

I would tell how my baby was mine too. I was taking the needed care and allow me to be her parent. 

I also would stand up to when I would be made to feel like am outsider for my own baby. I would remind them it's not like I don't know this feeling but I will not be tolerating this in context of my baby. My baby was mine! 

And I also started working again. My husband joined therapy too and my mom too listened to me. 

I finally came out of postpartum depression. It wasn't the easiest but I am glad I finally could. But its hard to be a mother physically and that takes a mental toll too, the sudden change and lack of support only pushes the person in worse state ! As it did to me.

Glad I am out of it !

If you feel you are suffering, start sessions at IWill therapy today. Iwill has country's best therapists who can help you heal, stand up for yourself, make changes to dynamics if it's a couple setting and help you come out of this unending cycle of toxicity, pain on expense of someone else who has probably severe self worth issues.