I became my own partner, a partner I never had after years of abuse and pain

IWill blogs

I really want to take a course. And I decided to go for it. A different city, a different place and i rook my child along.

I wanted to spend some good time so me and my child, we went for a holiday,

I did things I never did, staying in local communities, going for pottery, staying in a desert and enjoying a dance. I didn't feel alone, I didn't feel unhappy. I was liberated.

I needed money so i set a goal and decided I will earn it and chase it, I will make myself debt free.

I will have financial freedom, and will take care of my child and I am on that path of it.

I am me now, the real Swati, the real person, some days I cry out loud but I know why and I do something to change it, the power is with me.

I wasn't like this.

Infact I was in an abusive relationship with no job, with money that was borrowed, for anything I did I would listen how irresponsible I was, I was a single parent because my partner was absent from parenting.

My job was to be an assistant in someone's life with no priority of my own life.

My job was to be just not be there as Swati but as someone who they wanted, a person to serve, a woman to take anger out on, or just a show piece, a furniture who looks good but no one talks to.

 

Even after this, I was sure of breaking up being not an option.  

I don't have a job. I have a child. We need families. I will die alone and old. I had pain, depression, unsurmountable suffering but no light that I could see.

I wanted an exit from toxicity and I was even ready to think in my head of being dead but not being alive, not being here.

I joined IWill therapy on a friend's suggestion who could see i was suffering from depression.

My therapist at iwill helped me see everything I wanted to do was doable.

I could have a job.

I could travel.

I could be loved.

I could have happiness.

I could be myself.

She helped me first start learning to accept myself again, my wishes again. I had a life ahead of me

Next she helped me start asserting for my time and space and support and building my career up. The bare minimum I asked, I was only getting more toxicity and more abuse and more hurt.

It made me see one thing. That I could be myself but never here.

I had to chose between Real SWATI or Shadow, almost dead Swati. And I chose real one.

Therapist supported me throughout this process of extreme pain and anxiety of separation by helping me continue to connect and do things for my child and real me.

Today Swati is writing this, teary eyed as a proud mother and a proud individual and I am not alone, I have me.

Thank you IWill

Swati Sharma

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