I couldnt take 1 day of what my wife had been tolerating for years. I realized her pain.

IWill blogs

I and my wife were in IWill therapy. Things were not going well between us for a long time. We had daily fights.

She was always complaining that she felt unneeded and her happiness had eroded in this marriage. And I felt like she was not the woman who knew how to be happy in a marriage.

She was in depression. And we thought therapy could be our last resort to understand each other.

But it was in therapy that I could understand, no one could adjust happily to what my wife was going through. And this is what I wanted to share today .

My wife shared in therapy, how I didn’t have time for her because I had work and family. And she was right. I had so many people to take care of, I thought! I couldn’t be around my wife all the time.

My wife also shared how things were in my home towards her and I largely agreed. But I also said that this is how it is for all women and my wife isn’t alone.

So the therapist at IWill in one of the sessions said, no it isn’t like this for all women. And even if it was, would it be ok, if for one day I as a person try and experience what my wife says, she goes through and see how it impacts me?

So I said ok, for sure.

So as a role play, my wife and I exchanged our expressions, our daily routine, and how things were for a day. We went this past weekend to her home.

And just for one day when

I was there in her home and she gave me no time and was busy with her job work or her family, and it looked as though she was avoiding me, it felt very strange and extremely hurtful. Even though I knew it was an exercise, it still felt odd.

Just like maybe I do and people in my family, she compared me randomly to others.

Like how she loves her father the most and no one else as much as her father cared for her, no one did, how she feels her brother does so well in life. Even when things weren’t directed at me, they still made me feel very hollow and numb. Comparison when I was on the receiving end was pretty hurtful! And this was just for a few moments.

A flashback happened as to how this has been the norm for my wife in my home. Things like my mom cooks best, she is my first woman, someone else’s daughter in law never leaves her in laws home and so on, these were daily conversations and they now looked very draining, since I had experienced a glimpse of it!

For a day no conversation was around me. Even when I was there as a part, it was about my wife’s job, my wife would interrupt others if they talked to me and changed the direction of the conversation. I felt really left out and pretty odd sitting there.
And I couldn’t help but think, it was never and has never been about my wife in our home.

Her work, no one bothers to discuss, discussions center around things of our family, our relatives, what I need to do for family. What my sister wants and must-have. She had been a spectator for years and it could have been very isolating, damaging to her mental health, to go through this day in and day out!

This one day, I had to go along as she wanted. But all these years, she has moved for me, she has been made to be ok with decisions I take or someone else takes! I could feel how stifled she would feel!

And when she didn’t appreciate me for a day, I felt drained! For her, this was the norm. She was never acknowledged for her things. Never motivated for her job, she had to always wake up early and cook in the kitchen in the morning despite her job.

It felt like a duty, it didn’t feel like shared responsibility to her. I realized.

When the therapist in session on Sunday asked how my day was, I couldn’t help but share that I had become so empty!

That I had felt very hurt, my life had always revolved around me! I was used to the attention and this one day I felt ignored! Even though this was just Maybe 5% of what my wife goes through!

I am looking forward to changing and understanding more in therapy. My wife also was helped by therapist to see that her bitter words hurt me and drain me and that they don’t help our relationship and are unneeded.

I am glad we started therapy.. I have decided to not let my wife suffer without my attention or struggle with competition, ignorance, and isolation! I will do everything that I can as a husband!

I thought I must share what I experienced in therapy at IWill until now.

I will maybe share more as we go along in healing and strengthening our relationship!


Vinamra Singh