IWill

IWill 2022-08-12 10:11 - 4 minute read

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I don't want to live in a marriage where my husband's remote control is with his family. 

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We made a plan to go out and then he canceled it.

I wanted him to come to my parents, everything was done but then he said he won't be coming.

I wanted him to do a small gesture for him, he soon denied.

He bought something for me, only to later get angry and randomly talk to me about the Increasing expenses.

He would spend one day some time with me and then from next day on, ignore my presence like I wasn't even there.

Initially when I didn't understand what was happening, it was unsettling and it almost feel like he is not the same person, that he is so unpredictable and that he suddenly behaves completely opposite to what he had promised. 

But soon I started realising that my husband's actions, behaviors and mood's remote control is with his family.

 

The moment he would do something for me, they would make him change his plans, either by showing how he was wrong or plain display of anger or cold treatment on him which he couldn't take.

 He was way too attached and emotionally dependent on his family to be able ro take their anger or displeasure.

I was unable to do anything, even if i expressed love, care, kindness, he saw all of it too only through the lens of what his family wanted him to see it.

He would see this as my way of controlling him or my way of dominating him of my tears in pain and isolation as some calculated move to make him away from his family.

I was tired, broken and exhausted to be married to a man who didn't have mind of his own. 

I just didn't know what to do?

I was isolated, alone and there was no guilt around it.

His family was human, emotional and I was completely dehumanized with my tears being drama, with my pain being a way to gain control, with my need for his love being my way to make him away from his family.

 

I was so broken, I needed the strength to get out.

I was clear that this marriage would take my life if i continue to be in it.

 

I joined iwill therapy to overcome depression, to gain strength to step by step to regain myself, to be able to gain my confidence, life and happiness back. 

I joined work, developed a social circle and got the strength to take this big move of putting an end to this relationship, it was tough because I had a lot of dreams from this marriage. And so to see them shattering and putting an end publicly was tough!

 

I am out of the marriage today. It wasn't even a marriage, it was a ritual completed with a man who didn't have the power to carry on a relationship independently despite being a grown up

I was tortured and isolated and emotionally abused and dehumanized beyond measure.

 

I am relieved that the nightmare for me is over but the hurt, the loss, the scars of those years will take time to heal. I am glad i have therapy support and it's keeping me going, and making progress each day that shocks everyone.

Don't marry someone if you can't love, accept and be with them as a partner. You are not a child anymore and marriage isn't a child's play.

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