IWill

IWill 2021-12-26 08:57 - 4 minute read

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I dont let myself breakdown anymore because of my husbands ignorance

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My husband again didn't sit with me when he came back. As usual, I was not his priority. His family was more important

But today, I didn't feel bad about this. I didn't feel empty because of this.

I didn't cry or fight... I picked up my laptop, started working, had a good meal, and prioritized myself! 

My husband as always was always thinking of others, never for me. 

But it didn't hurt anymore. I was thinking of myself! 

My husband again in the last week canceled a plan with me. Rather than feeling dejected, hopeless, lonely, I went ahead with my own plan with my friends.

 

I was focussing on my happiness, my health, my own respect, and my own emotions too. 

 

It was tough but it was important, for my mental health and for my life... 

I had been depressed ever since my marriage.

In my heart and my mind, I had made my worth completely attached to my husband. 

I wanted his time, attention, love, admiration but he never saw me as his first family.  He would ignore me, make me feel secondary, never show me affection, always treat me as though loving me was against his family, it would somehow make him "anti-family" or even "wrong". This was also because his family and everyone else around too had always kept their spouses secondary and a son was only supposed to be for his family, while a wife's role was to serve, have children, work for others' happiness. But I wasn't this person... I wasn't someone who had ever been without love, respect... I had huge dreams from my marriage and really had made my husband, the center of my life... 

 

I was getting broken, mentally alone, and isolated each day BECAUSE of his ignorance... 

I felt like I have no reason to be happy. I felt like I have no worth... I felt so alone and so stuck in life... 

My career was in shambles, my mental health was breaking... 

 

I had never been unhappier... I had stopped talking to people who loved me... I just wanted my husband's attention and I was losing my SELF RESPECT TOO in the process. 

 

I joined IWill therapy when no one around could help me... When no one around was even listening to me... It was in therapy that I realized my worth... My husband's behavior, upbringing, values were not in my control... And so I couldn't base my happiness, my life on how he treated me... 

I had to get assertive, I had to get strong... I had to stand up for myself... 

 

The therapist helped me focus on myself, speak to me and give me emotional strength and a perspective of my own value... She helped me get into a routine that allowed me a distraction, motivation, happiness. 

She stood by me to fight my emotional weaknesses so that I could really support myself emotionally...

My husband and everyone around has noticed changes in me... In fact, my husband now wants to also find out, why I don't cry or get hurt as much due to his ignorant behavior. 

But currently, I am focussing on myself, not on anything else... In the past few years, I had lost a lot of me... And currently, I am fixing that, my broken self-esteem, my broken career, and broken belief that I deserve happiness and love! 

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