I had lost the purpose to live. felt empty, Chronically unhappy

IWill user

You were so ambitious! You were so hardworking! I have my faith in you. Start being yourself again!

This was a person in my family telling me in a voice that seemed so faint to me! It wasn’t making any part of my heart light up. I was in my bed, with a phone in my hand, endlessly scrolling reels on Instagram!

Neither did I feel I was losing anything by laying in my bed! Nor did I remember the person, my family member was calling!

I had lost too much!
People had betrayed me! I had trusted them. I had been bullied! People less talented but more political than me had got success! In midst of all this, I had been through health challenges, personal challenges!

Life looked like it lost its meaning!

I was bound to lose no matter how hard I try. People had moved ahead! I had just lost that strength I had early on. I felt like a failure and yet I had accepted it! I had lost purpose!

I didn’t even think I needed help!
I was convinced I can’t change anything now! And I must live as I am living, aimless, purposeless, feeling inside that I am I born incompetent!

I had tried many times and yet I had felt the same! I had reached to this point of 0 due to repeated rejections and losing my track!

But still, my brother forced me into therapy. He somehow still believed that “I had it in me”.

In therapy, at iwill I was least Interested! She would tell me what needs to be done, I would listen and do nothing!
Until one day in one session, she asked me a question that triggered me?

She asked me why did I feel I was so worthless, so incompetent? Why did I accept this?

I couldn’t hold back my tears and I couldn’t stop talking. I shared all, how I took wrong decisions, how I trusted and did nothing for myself, how I lost my happiness, my thinking, I have fallen behind, and I can’t rise back!

Here is where she challenged me! She helped me see that I for one had to become a horse with a blinker, not look at the world, the people who ditched me, how far they had come and look at what I needed to do, what I had not been doing: I knew what the right action was. I was down and dusted and unhappy because of setbacks! I needed to remove this layer of purposelessness, this layer of I won’t do anything because if I do, I will fail!

I won’t fail, she convinced me! Every day and every time! I slowly started listening to her, more than her to myself, that faint voice around me that still believed in me, that voice within me that was rooting and cheering to see me rise!

I got back on the track to run. Everyone who I ran the race with, was far ahead! But the track was still there! I was still there! I ran and I ran! I worked hard again I started from 0, the 0 that I thought I was!

It started paying me back! There was progress, much less than what it could have been if things didn’t fall apart, but much more than how they were when I was lying on the bad, scrolling reels, eating, sleeping, and being numb!

Therapy heals! It helps! It gave me back the perspective that my purpose of life was me! I could restart any day, re-begin! There are no expiry dates to my dreams!

My eyes twinkle! I doubt myself even today but I don’t fall for it! On several days, I still feel I am not successful, but on several others, I feel I can be! The everyday doom isn’t there!!!

I got my purpose back! I got myself back! I hadn’t ever lost it: it was just hiding behind in pain, in assumptions that I wiped off! I wiped away!

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