IWill

IWill 2021-11-15 11:56 - 6 minute read

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I had very high expectations of myself. And I feel disappointed for not fulfilling them.

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I was depressed because I felt I had not lived up to my expectations for myself

I had nothing in my life like I had expected and that made me so depressed

None of my expectations from my life were met and I was so hopeless. My story

I wanted to be happy, so much loved, successful, have self-confidence, and all things good for myself. I know life doesn’t give one everything that they need. But for me, all my expectations were broken at each point. I had suffered so much setback in terms of what I wanted from life that I was just heartbroken, completely empty, jealous, insecure, and wanted to not exist!

Many things went wrong for me...

When I got married I had expected to be the most loved person. I was ready to give my all.

I was so much floating on the clouds with my spirits. But I was devastated when I was constantly made to feel less, my partner would be always ignore me due to others around. I felt lonely, unhappy, and unneeded in my marriage. The expectation I had and what this marriage was going to be, were all shattered and this is what just broke me!

I struggled so much. I ignored my career, my needs at the time. I became just so unable to do anything. I just felt pity on myself, was just angry all the time and wanted this unequal behavior to end. I felt I had gotten stuck with unhappiness!

Things got somewhat better at some point. But they impacted everything else by then. Including my spirits.  My career was nonexistent while others around were doing too good,  looked not the same... the crying, the loneliness had taken a toll and I had lost track...

Even when I wanted to try, I think I had forgotten how and what to do... I had become so mentally exhausted that I kept sitting on things that needed to be done and see my situation get from bad to worse...

8 months ago when I was looking at what my life had,I had health issues, I had career dissatisfaction major, I had financial issues too,  and I didn’t look the same, my Heath wasn’t great! I felt beyond empty!

I joined IWill therapy because I really wanted to cry to someone, to talk about how I felt all the Insecurity within me!

In therapy, not only did my therapist empathize with me, but also helped me see what was needed a change in how I was dealing with my life!

1. I had to prioritise myself:

I needed to focus on myself. From the start, I had expectations from my life but I was always looking towards others to meet them. I gave my happiness charge to my husband. I forgot about myself, my goals, my life when things were going bad. I needed to not do this. No matter what, or who treats me how I needed to look after myself and my goals

2. I needed to forgive myself
It’s ok if my life wasn’t what I had imagined it to be by now! It’s ok if I was not there yet... I needed to forgive and protect and empathize with myself! I needed to not weigh myself down and use such mental words for myself that I had failed, I wasn’t good enough, and so on and so forth!

3. I needed to change myself too! I needed to now do things that would change my life. Like focusing and not letting fatigue make me lose focus on my work, managing my mental health so that I don’t feed myself painful assumptions, and losing energy for the present too.

I needed to take care of myself! I wasn’t here only to fill my expectations but also to live my life... I wasn’t being fair to myself by being so critical and so unhappy with myself all the time.. 

It’s been 3 months in therapy and I have focussed on myself. I have started a job. I don’t compare, don’t bring me down! I focus on my growth. I challenge my thoughts and feelings about myself! I quiet the person in me down, who reminds me and makes me feel sorry for myself!

I am not sorry for my experiences
I am not sorry for my lack of being there where I wanted!

I am focused on myself and growth! I am glad I took help. I am glad I am working to make myself happy before anything else now!
I genuinely feel good and laugh now. I know I will make it...

Sujata Singhal

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