I have to let go the person who pretends to love me but is damaging me the most 

IWill blogs

What were the signs of a person who loves you only at their convenience ?

1. They send you intense messages when they feel the need to express love 

2. They will not send you messages when you need it or love or support when you need it, because they avoid pain and also that may not be the time, they would be wanting to display love and affection to you. 

3. They cause a lot of hurt to you when they are irked. it could be something that you did, anything that happened to them, or just anything in this world but it will come back on you. 

4. They also threaten you, suddenly create this intense behavior that you have to beg them to stay and they do this in the pretext of being hurt, being the right one, being the better one.

5. They keep swinging you to extreme highs, extreme love expression that completely sweeps you off your feet, with praises and with good words and with love gestures and showing that they need you more than anything and then they just cut off, cause hurt, damage, and do this each time, withdraw, show you your place in their life! 

The next question arises, one that I would ask myself, if I know this pattern, why am I falling for them? If I am feeling this heartburn within me, this deep pain, why do I continue, why do I actually beg, why don't I let them move out of life???

And the reason for this is how your brain and emotions get entangled and you need to know this

1. The intense love that they offer, the value and validation they give creates an intense high in your brain, in your emotional field that makes you crave that kind of attention and love again and again, it also makes you feel closer to this person who is doing this and you feel the need to get it from the same source. 

2. The devaluing by the same person can create a lot of dissonance and hurt in brain, it makes one feel like a punishment, like something that they did wrong and need to rectify because we can process hate and rude behavior from an expected source, but we cannot understand devaluing and hurt from a source of love. Our brain thinks its a form of punishment and creates an intense pain with love memories either subconscious or conscious through the same person creating this need to apologise, get the person back, undo the punishment and so on and so forth.

3. Since they do this as a pattern and humans love patterns too, these people make the person believe that after a bad phase, good will come, creating an intense need and compliance in them for the person involved. 

4. The instant pain of losing this person is so high due to the emotional dependency and excessive adulation given that the person complies and is compelled to do everything to resolve pain in the short term even when the person realises in long term it will be very hurtful! 

 

Why does the other person do it? Do they really know what will cause this, are they doing this with a scheme to hurt and control?

While we can never predict a person's true intentions and what they know and they do not know but purely from a psychological analysis there are reasons why people behave in this way

1. Their intense love bombing not matched by what they think is a high enough standard makes them discard a person. Once the person apologises satisfying their inner egod, they move back to the same pattern. They lack emotional regulation and thereby cause this damage to others. 

2. They are jealous people. They cannot take the idea of anyone getting better or ahead and they are losing the position of centre and power. When met with jealousy, they attack the person ahead of them until they can control the person and thereby by making them lower, feel better about themselves. 

3.  They have met with this emotional insecurity themselves early on in childhood, this discard, this wait, this devaluing and valuing by a parent usually, the intense distress, the coping mechanisms and the internalisation of this behavior being right becomes the reason why they end up doing this to others!

4. They also derive a lot of their sense of worth from the relationship with the person they are victimising, only they can serve their needs like they want them to and hence they continue bringing them back with intense goodness unless they feel completely moved on and can discard the person as they don't see them dedicated to the level they want the person to! 

 

What should one do?

As I did, you absolutely need to admit two things first

1. I really need to break this cycle and get out of this abusive relationship.

2. I really won't be able to do this on my own and I would need help! 

It's important to recognise both simultaneously. Remember that this person in your life will damage you, take your work away, devalue you, isolate you to serve their needs and it will all happen and so you need to definitely leave them and second, you won't be able to do this on your own, they will bring you back, they will send intense love, they will break you down, back to your knees and you need someone to hold you accountable, to keep showing you the mirror! 

 

My therapist at IWill helped me over a period of 6 months 

1. To systematically first set a reminder into his behavior and his actions  on a regular basis so that the love bombing done has less and less impact 

2. Then also find a way to avoid love bombing, having a healthy boundary where happiness, validation and sense of worth comes from other activities. 

3. To define a social and support circle regularly, forcefully meet them and continue being with them slowly, within weeks and months lessen the impact of one person's circle. 

4. To reduce emotional cravings by journalling and reminding oneself of the hurtful things said, the lack of support shown, the jealousy displayed

5. Journaling positive and nurturing thoughts about self. 

6. Finding inner value and worth in therapy!
 

Today I am out of this ugly relationship. I called it off and I never looked back. I ensured that I completely de-addict myself, detoxify from this crazy, intense bond that hurt me like no other! And it was the toughest thing to do, I cried many nights and days, I slipped back, I craved his words and his attention, his love and his admiration but therapy helped me block this painful pattern that wasn't a need, it was an addiction! 

Seek therapy at IWill if you could relate to signs shared. You don't have to go anywhere just book sessions recommended to you and invest in your peace, happiness and inner healing