I know the relationship is toxic for me but I was just so unable to leave it! Worst pain

IWill blogs

I really love you a lot! I can’t live without you. This is what the person I was in love with constantly said.

But along with this,
There was abuse.
The moment I wanted to do something that I liked, there was drama!
I would be asked to always do what they pleased!
Always pamper their ego, be their shadow!
I was expected to just do their duties for his family..: duties that he had no time for!
I was expected to not have a life.
I also was subjected to anger, fights, mood swings by the person anytime I did anything that was my wish...
and they would also threaten to leave me , or say it was a big thing that he was there with me and that he didn’t have to....

I felt broken... but then the next moment, they would show how much they loved me, they would do more drama to convince me that I didn’t do the right thing, they would say words that would melt my heart....and I would say sorry...

*Each time this happened, each time they guilt-tripped me into believing that I was wrong...*

I was tired of being with them. But I also was not unable to do anything to come out...
I felt like my life would be over if I broke that relationship. I felt like I had no strength in me! I felt stuck...
I felt that this relationship had to improve for me to be happy! I believed my partner would change...

But the change never happened... and I became more stuck! The more I tried, the more it became harder...

I had no happiness and yet I had no strength...
I sometimes felt Death was the only escape from this...

My friend recommended I to seek therapy, just to have space for my emotions, and at least be able to say things I otherwise couldn’t express

I joined IWill therapy! And it was through therapy that I completely recognized that this relationship had been so one-sided...

Nothing was done for me. Everything was expected of me.
There was no love... only dominance and the need for me to keep doing things for everyone as per his wish.
I had to be always ok with being insulted and ignored and the only time I became important was when they needed me!

My therapist also helped me recognize the reasons why I was finding it so difficult to leave this relationship.

I had no career. I had no personal space or life. I had nothing, to make me feel I had a future...

She first helped me focus on those aspects, develop a circle, and challenge my thoughts that this was a dead-end for me!

It took me 5 months in therapy but I restarted my career, and time with friends, and had the courage that if he leaves me, I would survive.... now I demanded respect... and when I didn't get it, I wasn’t afraid of being left...

I am preparing myself to be out of this toxic mess. I am largely ready...

It’s not easy to leave a relationship... that’s not because one doesn’t know it’s a wrong one, that’s because human emotions are complex.. it’s a web of pain.. and takes time to get the strength, to feel that you are powerful! And that you have it in you...

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