I lived life for others and they all chose themselves. Now I must live for myself

IWill blogs

As a young girl of 25 married to my husband, I made my life around him.

His happiness became my central goal. Cooking for him, making sure I dress up for him, pray for him, align with the things he likes to do, his hobbies became mine, his friends and his relatives mine.

I did more for him and the more my life became an extension of his.

And as I was aligning my life with him, he became more and more fixated at his career, his life, his friends.

I would hear rumors of how he is having an affair with this and that colleague and I would ignore it all. I felt my life was perfect.

Then we had children. And my life now further dedicated to my children.

Their school, their homework, their grades, their birthday parties, their swimming classes. They became the center of my existence. And until they got into college, I did not even realize where my life went.

Now my life had no color of its own. It was colorful yes and goals yes but all that of my husband and my kids.

Once my kids went to their college, they had forgotten about me, their life was all about their goals and their friends and understandably so.

My husband still busy in his friends, his office, his trips and whatever else that he prioritized.

Depression just didn’t hit me.

IT destroyed me. Sitting alone in my home and room and working on home chores with my helpers, I would feel like my life had crashed. It HAD no meaning. The buzz and noise I felt so happy in was taken away from me and I was all alone. My days felt hopeless, my life felt hopeless. I had no purpose and I was finding it difficult to even get out of bed.I would cry for hours.

I would look at my phone and my old timetables of picking up children from school.

And now nothing was here. I did feel used, betrayed, hurt and all of those emotions that can break any human being.

My friend asked me to seek help and speak to a professional. I joined IWill therapy.

My IWil therapist helped me see that life no matter for relationships, is primarily for the person who is living it. I sacrificed all my time for others but they had their own goals and areas and life naturally did flow for them further while it felt like stagnant to me.

She made me see that I wasn’t wrong. I did maximum sacrifices but I needed to also prioritize myself. This I failed to do.

She would speak to me and help me see my self-worth, good things about me that this phase of my life had completely blurred for me.

She helped me put center of my life and its focus back on me. She helped me see that it wasn’t late to do the right thing and do it now.

I started exploring my interests, my hobbies, things I wanted to do.

It was tough and it was like I was trying to start a new life. But her help helped me.

I also started drawing boundaries from my kids and my husband.

When they would act like why AM I not available. I would help them see how they had lived their lives and I had lived it with them. And that I need my time and my goals too. I drew my boundaries. I made my own friends.

I started going out.

SOMETIMES I WOULD just sit in a café alone but that time out and reflection helped me. My therapists’ help helped me put my pain and my lost life to purpose.

In 3 months, I started a small home business of handbags and accessories.

The new found income no matter how small it was gave me confidence. I joined many small business communities and started meeting people. I started getting more integrated in a spiritual organization too and that gave me so much peace. In 4 months time, I looked younger, prettier, happier and more confident.

I was looking like myself, LIKE I WAS THAT COLLEGE GIRL WITH DREAMS AND WITH HOPES.

I HAD REGRETS ALSO FOR MY LIFE BUT MY THERAPIST HELPED ME GET PAST THE HURT AND BITTERNESS as that would have further clipped my spirit and wings in the present.

Finally at 52, after 25, I LIVE FORMYSELF AGAIN!

Shibani Gaud

For IWill therapy sessions, download the app and book sessions or start IWill therapy sessions from top right hand corner of the website