I miss my OlD self most. Lost it to toxic people & mistakes! Trying to get it back
I miss that smile that would never stop!
I miss that respect that would never go!
I miss those people who would never judge!
I miss those problems that had an easy fix!
I miss that hope I had that all will be ok!
I miss having only people who loved me!
I miss that person who could disconnect from toxicity!
I miss that person who could dream & fulfil it!
I miss that person that didn’t want to hide!
I miss my old self and my life...
I have been through some very bad things... toxic people who drained me out, ignored me, gave me silent treatment after promising a world of love!
And my mistakes of not focusing, prioritising on my life, take big problems with the same carelessness as I did take the smaller ones!
Being too hopeful and leaving things on sorting on its own!
Letting trauma destroys years and years for me!
Letting pain, be there and me not doing anything for it!
These toxic people, sudden bad behaviour! Sudden lack of respect and love, a thing I wasn’t used to, that broke Me!
The pain and the need to run away from it, to either be crying or be just doing fun overly to release pain, these cycles took me away from my goals!
My goals not being met broke my confidence! And I was lost!
Lost into becoming confused, hurting, a deeply frustrated and pained individual who just had regrets!
I would cry days missing my old life, myself! I wanted to be around that same person who loved their-self deeply!
I joined IWill therapy to share all this... I thought if I could find someone to help me in processing all that I have been through. Maybe I could find some part of myself again or at least save my future!
And in therapy it took time! It took months but it happened!
I learnt to smile for myself! I learnt to assert and be stronger in not getting affected by words and behaviours! I learnt how to StOp their power over me!
I learnt how to one step at a time but focus on my growth, my skills, the broken pieces and get some wins, sort some problems, find some way to the future even if the path was still dusty and my mind still hazy...
Slowly I started seeing the streaks of my old self in me!
The self-belief started to knock on my doors occasionally!
The Hope would come back and go but come again!
The path would look bumpy but the spirit to cross it somehow, came back!
The fatigue of just blankly staring and doing nothing, changed into action, without consciously worrying what outcomes it would get me...
I am trying to get back to my old self... I can see that I may somehow reach that person... I wished how I could have taken some help early on, not be broken, not be so wrong in my judgements but that’s past... I can’t change it!