I miss my old self the most. I lost it to pains, losses and people who hurt me
If someone asks me what is the biggest loss I have been through, who is that one person I miss the most, whose loss do I grieve the most...
The answer will be loss of my own self! My happy self, my laughing self, my self that believed in me, I lost that person. I lost that person who knew how to have faith in people!
I laughed endlessly. I was always happy. I never feared. I always believed and I have lost of all of this!
This is because of the setbacks I went through, the words I heard for myself, the disbelief people had in me!
This was because I met people who harmed me, who didn’t love me unconditionally rather hurt me, ignored me emotionally!! I had never been around such people who would ignore me, make me feel like I wasn’t worth it, make me feel abandoned...
And they keep doing it, without my fault!
They promised me love and gave me isolation and comparison... my self cried.. it was hurt... it felt betrayed.
And rather than seeing their side, they blamed me for this behaviour. That I deserved it! That I wasn’t good enough...
This broke me down beyond imagination...
I missed myself. I would now only cry... I would be so irritable... I would be so lonely, so scared, so underconfident, so broken!
I was unrecognisable... people who loved me would say how did I become like this... I had no answers... all I knew was I too missed myself the most..
I joined iwill therapy to heal my depression, to lessen the panic I felt, to get past the anxiety I had..
It was in IWill therapy I learnt that by letting myself fade with others’ bad behaviour, and their lack of validation, I was doing the same to myself as them. This was abuse too...
The therapist at IWill helped me to learn to believe in myself, to stand for myself!
She helped my learn to love myself, not torture self for others... I needed to not stop eating, stop loving self for others!
She helped me chase my goals, ignore and draw boundaries and learn how to not let my sense of self be destroyed by how others feel about me!
She helped me learn to stand my ground, to assert, to speak for myself when no one stands up for me!
Today I laugh again!
I take care of me!
I look the way I should!
I speak for myself! I don’t care who gives me time and who doesn’t
I don’t let people break my sense of belief in me!
I have found my lost self again and suddenly nothing in my life that I miss anymore...