I used to behave poorly with loved ones. I used to regret but still be the same. Here is how I changed
I would yell at my loved ones.
I would sometimes be so rude to them.
I would continue arguing and behaving very erratic with my loved ones
I would sometimes say such bitter things to them.
I would always regret later of what I did. I would apologize, I would feel really bad about my behavior and yet when things happened I wasn't able to change my behavior.
I really wanted to change...
I didn’t want to be this angry.
I didn’t want to hurt those who were my loved ones!
I wanted to be able to talk and discuss, have a rational discussion and not move into violence or hurting my own people, or fighting so much and being out of control for so many days that it all comes down...
I didn’t know what to do... because I also felt like a victim... I also felt hurt and misunderstood and I also felt attacked, emotionally blocked, and misunderstood, leading me to a place where I had no control over my behavior anymore and my extreme emotions would take over.
I joined IWill therapy... it was in therapy that the therapist helped me see what and why needed to change without making me feel like I was a culprit or without making me feel worse about myself
She helped me first understand that at the heart of all this behavior with my loved ones was a belief “that family never hurts, they only give you happiness and support you and are there to fulfill needs”. This belief had shaped me over time but what it was doing was that it was making unrealistic expectations come from my family and not giving me any responsibility. I felt no one should make me cry, if they do, they are being unfair and not my loved one... and this belief was breaking me...
The second was my inability to have an assertive communication, my inability to say why is really hurting and my inability to express myself in a way I am understood, I ended up getting exhausted and resorting to means of anger and poor behavior
Third I had poor boundaries... I had grown up to believe everyone should be around me all the time... I had learned very limited views of what love expression is. I was always at home and always loved and surrounded by loved ones... I grew up to think having poor boundaries and no space in a relationship is only ideal and that’s what suggests there is love... when that was not the case
Fourth, I also had faced emotional abuse... emotional abuse is an attack on a person’s emotions, by making them feel ignored, powerless, and silent treatment and this had broken me... to avoid that abuse, broken by abuse, I would cry, get out of control as though in defense...
The therapist helped me fix all of these open issues. She helped me learn boundaries.
She helped me not judge my relationship basis small incidents
She helped me take responsibility of my relationships
She helped me respect the other person and more importantly, she also helped me heal from past emotional abuse!!
My therapist also helped me learn to control my behavior at the moment, through a mix of working on my active automatic thoughts and also simple behaviors that help de-escalate!!
I no longer have the guilt for behaving badly with my family.
No one has stopped loving me, respecting me or no one has abandoned me as my fears used to be
Seek IWill therapy if you are tired of your erratic behavior. It could be a deeper pattern that can only be fixed once you take charge and take professional help and make changes to yourself, listen, and be one to change...