I used to get so angry that I would react instantly, throw things, hit myself!
There was a time suddenly, I was getting so angry...
I wanted things to happen in my life and they were not happening in that way.
I was generally in an overwhelmed emotional state...
But nothing could explain or justify the kind of anger outbursts I started to have.
I would throw things when someone argued with me.
When they tried to control me, I would feel like doing anything to feel in control again, this would be hitting myself, throwing things.
I would feel bad and guilty much later of my anger-led episode but during the heat of the moment, I would go to any extreme.
And my anger could he fanned at any time. I couldn’t take an argument.
I couldn't let a normal fight continue. If someone kept arguing, I would lose cool and start shouting, and do the same behavior over and over again
I was also getting extremely sad due to this. I was hurting my own loved ones, myself, I was becoming unpredictable!
I had been through a lot of emotional turmoil over the last few years. I had a love life that was always strained and I had to struggle a lot to keep it going.
I wasn’t able to concentrate on my work life due to personal issues and then my work life suffered too.
I was also upset and angry with people I shouldn’t have been angry with, those who were good to me...
My erratic behavior was making me so upset...
I didn’t know what was happening. Sometimes I would get so angry in an argument that I would want to jump off or harm myself. This was an alarm...
*I booked IWill therapy for me... I did it privately as I didn’t want my family to know about this and judge me on it. *
I had severe depression and I was also diagnosed with BPD. When I was first diagnosed, I told my therapist that anger and damaging behavior was one of my issues. I went from 0 to 60 seconds after being triggered.
The therapist at IWill helped me through extensive therapy. This helped me process and learn to be self-aware and how to control my triggers.
To know why I get triggered, I fear losing control, losing people, I fear more arguments and I fear damage to my self-esteem due to other’s words hence I react, to stop all of it. It gets overwhelming. I am also angry with myself for not having prioritized things that need to be prioritized.
*She helped me work on these, becoming self-aware and helping me disconnect, not feel threatened or unloved just basis of an argument*
I am proud to say that within 6 months, I became in control of my triggers and my anger responses changed.
I am super self-aware and have the tools to deescalate.
Having BPD is treatable and manageable, you have to put in the work.
And anger outbursts break you, the cycle of reacting, getting charged, being in that state for long has a serious and deep impact on your health.
I had BPD, if you have anger outbursts it could be something else, but it is definitely a thing that needs to be managed.
Open up in therapy, anger harms you, people are not respecting you or loving you, they are fearful of you...
This is not OK.
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