I want to do a lot but depression makes me so confused and hopeless

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Every morning I would wake up with confusion, hopelessness, pain, with no idea how to get myself started. I would feel so disappointed in myself, so worried for my life that I didn’t feel like doing anything. 

It was not like I wasn’t trying. I would say the days passing and every day I would say tomorrow would be different.

When I would cry my eyes out and beg others for importance, every day I would tell I won’t do it again. I will not trade my self-esteem like this. And yet the next day I would cry more. Want more understanding and still not have it.

I was deeply pained from within. I really wanted to get out of this mess but one bad thought, one phone call, one small fight with someone was enough to throw me off for several days and weeks!

I had so much self-pity, so much helplessness that I had never been like this.

Depression was making me hollow from within.
I was unrecognizable. I had no energy. I was devastated. I had been through so much that I had nothing left in me.

I joined IWill therapy at the insistence of my brother who really wanted me to get help. It was in therapy that I started focusing on things like
“I wasn’t negative and lazy, depression was an illness”
“I started learning to challenge my negative automatic beliefs about self and life”

“ I learnt empathy for self, of having love for self, of not being dependent on others for validation”

“ I spoke all about my past traumas and made sense of them to move on, to not carry the impressions of this hurt”

“I started doing small things that would make me happy, even if they were not making me happy right now”

“ I started breaking this cycle of pain, this hurt, step by step! 

Depression is a mental health disorder! One needs help and care with it, not isolation, ignorance and it will be all ok in some time attitude. I am glad I took help and got past this painful disorder that had made me wrongly convinced that my life will have nothing to look forward to! 

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