IWill

IWill 2021-08-17 08:36 - 4 minute read

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I was in chronic depression. And here is all that i lost...

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I was in chronic depression. Life had been so rough. I had been so unprepared and lost that I just couldn’t heal myself. I didn’t take help at the right time. Depression had suffocated me... I lived with it for years and years!  it kept breaking me...

Here were the 5 most painful things about chronic depression and the way it impacted my life

1. I lost track of time and lost many years to depression. 

Depression just came and ate away my life. The days would pass, months would pass, and then passed the years. No growth happened, no happiness, no track of time, no sense of accomplishment. So many years of the one life we have, depression robbed me of it! 

 

2. I lost my connection with self

Who was I?

What do I really want? 

Do I even want to exist? 

Should I even live? 

What can I even do?

Do I even have skills?

Should I even try? 

Am I bad person? 

Do I not deserve love? Or why don’t people like me?

 

This questions plagued my mind. I lost a sense of self. I used to love myself, laugh, believe in me and yet when depression happened and it stayed, it took all of this away! 

 

3. I lost my concentration, focus and ability to do things 

 

I just didn’t have the same focus. I would be always distracted. My mind buzzing with painful thoughts, second guessing everything I did, everything I could do... my concentration was so weak... no task could excite me...nothing motivated me... I was just lost, plain lost!

 

4. I was chronically sad and empty 

My inner being was never happy. I would be sad for reason, sometimes nothing apparent but I would cry... I would feel empty... and not one day, but several days at a time, and it would come back.. I had stopped enjoying or liking anything about my life!

 

5. I was most lonely

Yes I had loved ones, but I felt no one understood me! Yes I had people around but everyone was busy, those who had been with me and supported me were now exhausted. My depressive Illness had outlived everyone’s patience! No one wanted to give me any energy anymore and yet I was as much in need, as hurting as years before... chronic depression made me chronically lonely!

 

Many more things happened with me... I didn’t feel like getting out of bed many days, because I felt nothing was there to look forward to. I didn’t eat well, sleep well or just some other days I couldn’t wake up... I had missing years of my life due to depression..

 

And finally, I knew this could be treated.

 I took therapy at Iwill. Something I should have done a long ago... I understood the changes I needed to make, challenge my thoughts around it.. believe myself, make small plans and work on them, do small things rather than overwhelm myself with the big issues... and much more... and it all turned around and became positive!

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