IWill

IWill 2021-08-23 10:30 - 6 minute read

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I won’t be a part of toxic relationship! I have overcome fear of being abandoned

IWill user

You are nothing in front of my mother. I love you but no one can take place of my mom.

I have my career. My life... I can’t be there sitting for you.

I will go this weekend too. You can’t change my life!

I want to be with my friends! I need space absolutely. You can be at home!

Yes I am like this. Ok, I yell, ok I can’t take care of you. So what I didn’t ask if you had eaten or not, take it or leave it.. I love you but I can’t change!

I don’t know how to talk to people when they cry. That’s why I left you alone. I am not good with emotions! If you are so upset, leave me! Or let me go! I don’t want to be in this relationship! You are too much

 


This was my partner, blunt, brazen, totally unemotional for me now...

When it all started, in the early days of our marriage, it was all nice, happy, love, physicality, time, movies... but as time went on, they just reduced my place to nothing.

Being physical or not was basis always their mood, never mine!
They would spend time with me and other day just be with friends or family, what I wanted and when I wanted them to be with me, was never on their agenda!
I would go overboard to devalue myself to just keep them to spend time with me, be with me, be less rude...
I was tired of asking for everything! Tired of begging for love, for human consideration, for being emotional!


A part of me hated my new self!
A part of me felt very bad that I was tolerating a relationship that had no place for me, the way I wanted!
A part of me was tired of begging and wanted an escape from this relationship!

But I had many fears! They were dominating me!
I loved them a lot and I couldn’t be ok with them abandoning me!
I started questioning my self-worth. The more I did things to keep them, the more I felt lower and the more I would be scared of “what if” this doesn’t work out? How would I even survive?


I was stuck because of this fear! Of being alone! Of being abandoned! Of being miserable! Of being too helpless and even of being so lonely that I would harm myself!

I joined iwill therapy... I was in deep depression. And part of the reason was how I had accepted so much bad behavior due to fear of abandonment! I had been humiliated and yet I was falling in front of the same person!

The therapist at iwill helped me slowly and with time manage my fears... if my worst-case scenario of this breaking up came true, yes it would hurt early on and a lot and many be on my self-respect too... but as time would pass, I would be happier, I would focus on my growth, my life. I would eventually not be over... this realization as it started to turn into belief through therapy, helped a lot!

My therapist also helped me before anything, any changes in my relationship, helped me focus back on my career, on friends, on people/things I loved... as I started to see my life, my respect, appreciation for me, the fear that I will be all alone and at mercy started fading...

The therapist also helped me in re-stitching my self-respect. All that I did was to save a relationship that mattered to me and it was ok... but beyond a point, I needed to assert.

The relationship has always things that are non-negotiable, time, respect, and mutual space and needs being the most fundamental! My relationship did not have this and it was not ok... I was breaking down...


7 months down in therapy, I was a changed person... I had no fear of being abandoned! I had the courage to stand for self!! I had no fear of being left alone. I wasn’t ok being lonely and being treated secondary! I was not ok begging for every small emotion! This was my right and this person was incapable of any of it... and so I took that step to break the toxic bond, to let the person know that I didn’t need them! That their attitude and mindset weren’t worth my life!

I am glad that I could walk out... that I stopped begging and realized that the person had already emotionally abandoned me and it was already over!

The price of carrying an ever-worsening relationship was my self! And I had now the strength to throw this away!

My toxic relationship person was shocked to see my strength! And acted even more cold and dramatic to make me emotionally suffer! They Didn't Know I was way past it...

I am glad I  could share this with all of you today... 8 months ago I had thought my life and happiness was over and today I am the one working to build it

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