I won’t take decisions for my wife. I will not let anyone mistreat her

Sahil Gupta

Me standing for my wife 

No, I won’t move without her consent or asking what is good for her. It’s her life too and we together live it.

I need to ask her what she wants when she wants to become a mother. She is a human being, not a robot to fulfill our wishes

I am not sure if she likes it there. People get way too sarcastic with her. About her being from a different region, about her looks. I want her to be comfortable being in a place. I don’t want her to recall all the abuse that happened to her.

I won’t ask her to give up her work or her job, I am proud of her. She is my companion and she is proud of my work. She doesn’t have to be less ambitious now because she is married. She too has one life like me...

This was me Sahil. And these discussions were with my family and others at various occasions.

Earlier Hurting my wife or not doing enough when others mistreated her 

We take women in our life, especially wives as granted. The whole society wants us to believe that they have no “will”, they are not good if they have “needs”, and they are not the ideal wife if they have “self goals, opinions or a view”. They should be ok with disrespect, hurt, and ignorance and take it all smiling to prove they are good.

This was the conditioning I had too. I had seen such talks before my marriage and when I fell in love with Ragini, my college mate, I married her, and people started expecting her to be this person with no choices, I too didn’t see much wrong there...

Ironically even when I had seen her dreams, her love for me, her self-respect as a girlfriend, when she became a wife, a false sense that everyone should accept she is the “best wife” came in.

Her pain and agony 

She felt I was unrecognizable and agreed I was...
I would want her to show she doesn’t care for her career as much. Because others would compare her.
I would want her to be ok and make rapport with people who hurt her!
I wanted her to be ok if I couldn’t give her time as a husband and no other male in family did...
I was ok forcing things on her.
She got so unhappy, sad, and depressed. And I could see her breaking. I wanted her to smile and yet I was so stuck in my inability to see the real problem.


A friend suggested IWill therapy
It was here that I came across my own biases. And she got space to share without being judged, without the aggression and being herself. 

Why was I spending less time with her now? Who was I pleasing and why and at what expense? I wanted my time to be just with her and here I was denying her and me that opportunity!

Could I take someone hurting her? Someone saying bad to her? If no, then why was it ok for my family to do it and why was it ok for her to sit through it and keep taking it?

Did I really want her to be unhappy, despite the talent she had, lose what she had just to prove to some people in family that she loves me. Did I want her to let go of her dreams, herself just to prove something that I already knew by breaking herself?

Therapy at IWill helped me see that my wife and I were the same, if anything marriage should have made us stronger, more comfortable with each other!

My wife’s decisions will be taken by her and me together, not by anyone else.

Glad I realized it in time and could help my wife overcome the pain and save our relationship

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