I wont hate my wife to prove my love to you mom

Divyanshu Gupta

Things I do and say today

Mom, why should I leave her alone or not talk to her? She is married to me! I am supposed to spend time with her, she can’t be here and not be here!

Why should I not do things for her? Why should it bother you? Didn’t dad do things for you and when he didn’t, didn’t you feel hurt, let down?
Doesn’t my wife have a family? Then why do we expect her to prove each time she loves me, and cares for me?

Why should I always compare? Why should this be important? Why insulting or making her feel less is needed, to make you feel that I love you? Why suddenly this expectation has started...

What were you expecting of my marriage? You and papa are one... today papa only has you. Why should I make my wife suffer, when I know we have to be there till the end of time

This was me Divyanshu! I had changed a lot...

What was happening in the past?
I too had ignored my wife a lot because otherwise, my mom would feel insecure...
my wanted things to remain the same but that meant, not accepting the change, the family expansion that happened for me with marriage.

I would compare my wife to my mother, to ensure my mother feels secure...

In the process, of doing this, my wife who had so many happy expectations completely broke down and felt isolated...
Her relationship with me had collapsed... I always felt scared to love her and she always felt let down and upset with me.
She would cry and I would get more frustrated...

She joined IWill therapy as even working, being her normal self was now difficult for her.... she was depressed and that Pain was breaking her...

It was in therapy that she first got better and felt emotionally stronger.

When I joined therapy,  my therapist asked me a simple question...

Why did hating my wife proved love to my mother? And when I asked her to explain this...
she said behaviors that I was doing,

Like comparing her and telling her she is less, is usually done to make someone feel less confident!
Or by ignoring her even when she is crying...
Or By not seeing she needs me when she expected love and is here for me!
Or By not giving her the space she deserves and denying it in fear.

How was any of it proving love for my mother...
love is proven by being there for someone, not by insulting another loved one!
Love is proven by taking care, not by harming and leaving wife alone!
Therapy and sessions helped strengthen our bond, make me understand how I had been denying my wife her place and also denying myself my happiness!
I no longer will do anything that compromises our love for each other!

I have changed and that’s why I wrote this letter! Other men should know that being a loyal loving son doesn’t mean you sacrifice your partner and your marriage !!!

Life is a balance and you must know how to do the right thing, for a relationship that arguably will be there for you till the end of time! You should know you must love your wife for being in your life, not hate her!

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