I would not destroy & sacrifice myself to change dynamics of a toxic marriage

IWill blogs

I am moving out, I announced. It wasn't an easy call by any means. I like any other Indian woman, had a family that believed that marriage should end only end in death, well in a way that is what I stopped from happening, a complete death of my personality, myself, my happiness and my character.

 

I had been married for 4 years now and this was a marriage I was highly excited about. While arranged, both of us felt like shared common goals, I was an engineer, so was he. I wanted to live a happy life so did he, I loved my family, so did he.

 

Infact he was so good to me early on and spoke like he would keep me so happy.

But this changed quickly when we actually got married.

The honeymoon period of his good behavior lasted less than our honeymoon.

He was never happy for my success. I could see in his eyes and to compensate that, I would praise him a lot. 

I started going back on my career goals as I would see he would pick a fight, right after some success of my own... I would do that because he love bombed me so much that I was addicted even to that love from him.

He would want me to please his family at all costs...

He was particularly attached to his mother and if his mother would make slightest complain about me, he would get so upset with me.

To please him, I would take this shit behavior too, many times at no fault of mine.

 

He would get upset at slightest of my wish. He would want things just his way, as though I was his puppet.

I felt like I was always walking on egg shells, when talking to him. What would enrage him or infuriate him, I never knew.

He also was very upset when I would talk to my family. He would be very happy with his friends, his family but if I did the same even for few hours, he would get so upset, so mad, so restless as though I had ditched him. 

And I was still ok with all of it, I was blinded by the fact that after abusing me, he would go back to coming back and telling me how he needed me, how he couldn't move a day without me.

In pursuit of this, I lost my career, I lost my touch with my family, I lost all my life, I lost basic dignity. I was at his mercy for self respect, and he could say me anything if angry and praise a little when slightly happier.

I was becoming a wreck, depressed, in the hopeless pursuit that he would change but he more and more became obsessed with self and less and less considerate of me.

 

I didn't want to lose him but I was losing myself, infact half of me was gone.

I introspected that this is just one life and that I was leading it in worst way possible, missing out on all Happiness. 

And I Knew at that point on, that I had to get the strength to break this up. He was changing and changing for the worse. 

I joined IWill therapy and first thing I told my therapist was to help me with my self worth, self healing, self esteem as I had completely gotten broken...

She helped me a lot. She helped me recall of times I was ahead in life, I still do well when I have mental space and wellbeing.

She helped me to learn to not feel guilt for how my husband feels.

He displayed some signs of narcissism and she did tell me that whenever I would try to take control of my life, he will blame me for his condition and may be even look like playing a victim for lack of a better word, so I had to learn and remember that I was responsible right now for my happiness.

She was a big support in making me guilt free, in taking big decisions, in believing I could be me and I started a job again. There was drama from him but I stood my ground.

I started meeting and helping my family. There was drama but I stood my ground.

He would start attacking me verbally so much and I knew due to some thing that it was time to move on..

I decided to leave his home and I wanted my therapist to support me on a very tough recovery journey and toxic attacks by this man ahead.

My therapist helped me at every step of the way.

She helped me have support, she helped me stand up for me. She helped me excel. The more I did better, the more he had hate for me and surer I was, on the right decision I had taken.

It took two full years of therapy and the same time for me to get divorce from him. He made it tough at every step of the way.

Today I am relieved I have a job, a life, home, space, and no one who depletes my self worth.

I feel sorry for him, but much worse for myself. I lost so much because of who he is and was.

A marriage isn't worth your life. You have one life.

Marriage should make it beautiful, make life easier when things get tough.

But my marriage was making life tough and brutal for me, at times when things were not right.

I saved myself. As toxic loss of self was worst for me than may be even death would have been!