I had been married for 4 years now and this was a marriage I was highly excited about. While arranged, both of us felt like shared common goals, I was an engineer, so was he. I wanted to live a happy life so did he, I loved my family, so did he.
The honeymoon period of his good behavior lasted less than our honeymoon.
He was never happy for my success. I could see in his eyes and to compensate that, I would praise him a lot.
He would want me to please his family at all costs...
He was particularly attached to his mother and if his mother would make slightest complain about me, he would get so upset with me.
To please him, I would take this shit behavior too, many times at no fault of mine.
I felt like I was always walking on egg shells, when talking to him. What would enrage him or infuriate him, I never knew.
And I was still ok with all of it, I was blinded by the fact that after abusing me, he would go back to coming back and telling me how he needed me, how he couldn't move a day without me.
I was becoming a wreck, depressed, in the hopeless pursuit that he would change but he more and more became obsessed with self and less and less considerate of me.
I introspected that this is just one life and that I was leading it in worst way possible, missing out on all Happiness.
I joined IWill therapy and first thing I told my therapist was to help me with my self worth, self healing, self esteem as I had completely gotten broken...
She helped me to learn to not feel guilt for how my husband feels.
He displayed some signs of narcissism and she did tell me that whenever I would try to take control of my life, he will blame me for his condition and may be even look like playing a victim for lack of a better word, so I had to learn and remember that I was responsible right now for my happiness.
She was a big support in making me guilt free, in taking big decisions, in believing I could be me and I started a job again. There was drama from him but I stood my ground.
I started meeting and helping my family. There was drama but I stood my ground.
I decided to leave his home and I wanted my therapist to support me on a very tough recovery journey and toxic attacks by this man ahead.
It took two full years of therapy and the same time for me to get divorce from him. He made it tough at every step of the way.
I feel sorry for him, but much worse for myself. I lost so much because of who he is and was.
But my marriage was making life tough and brutal for me, at times when things were not right.
I saved myself. As toxic loss of self was worst for me than may be even death would have been!