IWill

IWill 2021-09-17 12:40 - 8 minute read

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If you want your wife to be close to your mom and family, read this.

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Prerna had changed so much since last year. We were at my parent's place and my wife was taking care of my mother so well. She looked happy. She was comfortable and there was so much love in her for everyone in my family...To be able to see this chemistry and this closeness between my wife and my family was a dream come true. 

But things were not always like this. In fact, my wife shared a really bitter relationship with my mother and my family. 

Prerna used to complain always that my mother disliked her and that my mother and my sister were rude to her...She would also be always angry that I never stood by her. She thought I was also one of them and I was ok with her insult... 

I used to think what can I do...Of course my mom and my sister were not comfortable with my wife but that did not mean, I would desert them...I rather would get angry with Prerna on this... 

 

Our relationship was on the verge of breaking up. We had become a laughing stock in the larger family as everybody had started noticing the differences that existed in our family...

 

Prerna one day suggested that she wanted to join IWill therapy as she thought, we both needed an unbiased, expert, a third person who can help us resolve these differences. 

So I agreed. 

In therapy, when me and Prerna told our versions of the story,

 

The IWill therapist asked me one simple question. She asked me to imagine if my wife's father had issues with me. If my wife's father would have refused to accept me or was angry with me or was not ready to mix with me, how would he have dealt with the situation...

So I said, well I would have wanted Prerna to help bridge the gap, to talk to her father because my talking would be inappropriate and also something that is wrong...

 

So the therapist asked me, that is correct. So why do you think when your wife feels and you also feel that your mother and sister and family have issues with her, where they don't like her for who she is, where they are uncomfortable with your togetherness with her, your wife can only expect you to bridge this gap, to stand for her when she is treated unfairly or when she feels cornered. 

Its your responsibility too to stop the dislike that your mom feels for your wife, to make her accepted and make it clear that her love in your life is irreplaceable and that you and your wife are inseparable and that your mom will now have two kids, you and your wife as one unit...

 

Imagine if you own a company and there is an old manager who manages a few things in your company and now a new manager comes in. You see that the old manager is having issues accepting the new manager and his/her role. The new manager isn't able to help your company but just to maintain peace with the old manager, you keep letting this happen. How do you think this will impact your new manager, your company and even your old manager who is burdened with responsibilities that were meant to be shared.

 

Your mom was the closest woman in your life until your wife came in. But now you have your wife, her role is to love you, to walk with you in her life ahead, to be responsible for your happiness and you are responsible for her happiness...So until you don't step in and communicate her role in your life, her importance in your life, how do you think their will be comfort.

 

If you step in and assert and yourself understand what your wife's presence means in your life, you would be able to not just love her, make it clear that you are with her but also in this way, lessen the hurt and tension between your mom and your wife and your family... 

The IWill therapist helped me to start with the basics. 

First, it was to understand what my wife's role in my life is? What causes her hurt and why and see her reasons as genuine and try to understand...

 

So we discussed and picked up issues one by one...

Like

1. My wife had issues when my mom used to cut her plans with me.

When I tried and understand the reason for this hurt, it was not that she was jealous of my mom,

rather it was because she felt secondary like she could never decide THINGS for me...As a wife, it made her feel less and this would pain her... 

 

So I started changing this...Rather than waiting for my wife to make plans with me, I made plans with my wife and made sure that I fulfill them. 

 

2. My wife used to get hurt when my mom or sister said things that implied that I am closer to them, more than my wife. 

She used to feel bad because she had left her family, her friends and she always kept me on a higher pedestal in life. She wanted similar love from me..

So I started expressing my love for her in front of everyone...I would tell how special my wife is to me...This made her feel good about herself.She started ignoring what others said..

 

3. My wife used to feel bad that I spoke to her openly when we were alone and yet when I was around my family, I used to ignore her...

This made her feel that my family has issues with her... This made her get more insecure in the family presence...

Learning this I made sure that I gave her time, equal importance no matter who was around...Once I started doing this, she was so comfortable in my home...

 

Just like this, in therapy, I and my wife worked on all the points of hurt...Yes, my mom and my family initially had issues but once they could see that my wife was truly loved by me and that she and I are one, they slowly came to terms with it...

And the result of this is that my wife too is happier in my home, she loves my parents and is not afraid to be with them because she knows that nothing will change my love and attention for her, that I won't change, and that I would stand for her... 

If you want your wife to love your family, make sure that you and your family love her and make her feel one too...

Its the duty of the MAN to help her wife feel at his home, not the other way around 

Shobhit 

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