IWill 2021-06-02 09:06 - 4 minute read

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If your wife is an outsider, why expect her to leave her world or be only a part of your life

Shobhana Raghvendra

If your wife is an outsider, why expect her to leave her world or be only a part of your life?

“You are always talking to her. Is she replacing us”
“Don’t share everything with her. She will tell everything to her parents. You should maintain a distance”
“If you listen to her too much, you will lose control”

Such words look like they can’t be from today’s world! They look like as though they are dialogues from some other era! But such feelings, arm length treatment of women in homes is rampant, modern homes , educated homes, love marriages!

Many people still make the husband learn these behaviours towards wife!

A woman who arguably trusts her life with that man, still has to face a place of a person who is not an insider, who is less important or atleast should be treated in such a way in public domain to keep EGO’s intact!

I suffered this too. As a woman, as a doctor married to another, I was made to feel I should be last for my husband, he shouldn’t love Me, my parents are not his!

And yet expectation from me was I should say yes to everything my husband’s family said. I should not expect love from here or my parents.! I should isolate them, I should not care for them as if they don’t exist!

I was broken inside with the hypocrisy! I was a doctor too! I was like their daughter or son too! And such a hypocrisy and isolation and grief of seeing my husband so distant from me, for one who had all these dreams, broke me mentally!

I would cry, fight, remain irritable! I joined IWill therapy because I was losing myself to the TORTURE. Remember it wasn’t me! It was my situation!

Therapist helped me gain strength to not be so weak and not fight my own battles! I started ignoring the mindless demands of distancing myself from my parents and friends, and started emotionally reconnecting!

I also started speaking back to things that were way against my value system! My education, my personality was there for a reason! She also helped me emotionally manage myself and not give anyone such level of mental importance that they break me!

At some stage my husband joined in therapy too. And step by step he could see what I had gone though, how I was being ignored, sidelined and broken by him! How he was letting go of his happiness too! I had to be with him for his life and this was a bond that could only be built on love and trust and time and affection!

He changed, he apologised! I am still scarred but it hurts less and in the present, he is there for me!

And I want to say, if families need to treat wife as an outsider, they need to let go of the institution of marriage too! It’s partnership, it’s slavery!


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