Ignoring me the wife to please mother in law is the worst thing that happened to me

Shikha Shukla

What used to happen after marriage with me as WIFE?

I like the food cooked by my mom. She makes the best food. My husband said this when I served him Dal I cooked and hearing those words was the most painful. 

I am not going out with you for shopping. I need to go with mom to her friend's place. 

I was waiting for him all day long but he came and said hi to me and then started talking to his mother and they then went into the living room. He completely ignored me, like I don't even exist. 

His behavior was always like this, IGNORING me, as though I didn't mean anything to him. 

He would give me some attention when alone but then whenever his mother was around, he would ignore me, even compare and devalue me.

How was it affecting me?

I was so pained. I felt like I wasn't the most important person to him.

I felt ignored and lonely. I felt like I was stuck in a marriage where I didn't mean much to my husband. 

I felt like not even living, I had so many dreams of my happiness.

I had always imagined that my husband would appreciate me, love me, be protective of me, by my rock in my house and here he was, showing me like I didnt exist for me! 

I was broken. My mind would never be at work.

I would feel intense rejection and I would feel like I was less, My self esteem was completely broken. 

I joined IWill therapy after being recommended IWill therapy by a work colleague.

First my therapist understood the dynamics and could figure out that my husband spends good time with me when alone.

He loves me and praises me like all husbands but in front of his mother, he would even go overboard to show how I meant nothing to him. 

She told me that it could be that unconsciously or even due to some factors this dynamic is coming in an attempt of my husband keeping his mom happy or normal.

She helped me focus on my career, she helped me see that breaking myself would further create a lot of trauma for me.

She helped me see that my self esteem wasn't decided by this factor. 

 

She then asked me if my husband could come for therapy. Somehow I convinced my husband and he joined therapy.

Therapist at IWill first helped him see through role playing how would this pain feel, how would this isolation feel if this happened to my husband in my home.

When my husband started realising, he did open up that his mom would tell him that he had changed and that whenever he would praise me as wife, she would tell him how he had forgotten all the love of a mother and turned against all the goodness she brought in his life!

And then she would talk less to him like in childhood and losing his mother's approval was scary and painful for him.

She uncovered that these are typical dynamics where a parent makes a child feel vulnerable by creating silence as a form of punishment for things they don't approve of. 

Our therapist at IWill helped my husband see that now his role was of an adult and he has married me and that he can stand for me while loving his mother.

She helped him see how his own father treated his mother and how his mom today has a place so superior because she was accepted, loved by his father.

She also helped me and him get close, spend time, develop the husband and wife bond.

The more we got closer, the more my husband understood my pain, the more he started standing up for me. 

Through the 11 sessions of therapy at IWill, my husband changed a lot.

He started standing up for me, spending time with me, he started telling in front of his mom that he liked my food, that he spent his time with me. He started giving me the importance and love I deserved. 

I became so important to him that all my dreams of what love between a man and woman should look like became true.

I am glad we took the right help, I am glad I understood that my husband wasn't wrong.

That there were psychological reasons of control, of insecurity behind it and that my husband when was helped could change. 

I have got the love and respect I deserved and I am glad that the pain, the sadness, the insecurity, the comparisons, the ignorance I used to feel by my husband changed in utmost happiness. 

Seek therapy at IWill if you could relate to signs shared. You don't have to go anywhere just book sessions recommended to you and invest in your peace, happiness and inner healing