Living alone is way better than living lonely in a respectless marriage 

IWill blogs

I woke up in a new apartment. I had rented this place for myself.

I played my morning music on and started making my own breakfast.

I left for my office, worked, and then went for a coffee outside with some friends.

I came back, planned my day again.

This was me now, many would say I am depressed, alone....

But this is the happiest I have been in many years.

 

I am alone, don't mistake me to be lonely.

I am doing things for myself. But I am not helpless or broken.

I am being my own friend. But I am not being ignored.

I am being my own care taker but atleast I am being taken care of.

Prior to this, I had so many people around, I had a husband. I was in a marriage, a loveless and respectless marriage.

My husband was there but didn't care.

He wanted me to serve him and his family all day. Have no creams. Do nothing that makes me happy.

I was there. Everyone was around. But no one was there for me. I would be lonely, only there to be passed remarks on, or to be told how I am less.

I was there but like I was there to fulfill others' needs, that I should have no need of my own.

I was in a respectless marriage. Where there was no place for my emotions, everything I expected was childish, wrong, unfair.

 

I was tired of being the only one who was held responsible to make marriage work. I was tired of being told that I had to adjust, to not exist.

I was tired of begging for love. I was tired of being pushed behind.

I wanted to have some respect but I meant nothing. I would be expected to do everything to serve and yet get no love or attention.

 

I wanted a way out but didn't even know how, how could I get an exit. I decided to join IWill therapy to gain a perspective, to have someone listen to me, to someone hold me as I was breaking.

It was in therapy that my therapist helped me see my strength.

 

She helped me focus on my career, make friends, Meet with people who treated me better, treat myself better as therapy went on, I finally had the courage to ask for my respect, to make my own life, to feel fulfilled, to be myself.

 

I decided to end this marriage and get alone, accept the reality and live for myself, I decided to put my trust back in me. To not take abuse, to restart life and build it on my own.

 

People would tell me how I was stupid to do this..they were worried for my future. How ironic is that no one was worried about my present, how lonely and almost close to nervous breakdown was I today.

I did the right thing and here I am today, 

 

Alone but not lonely 

Unmarried again but not uncared 

Single but not with double pain

Trying but not failing 

Struggling but not drowning

 

Shreya Garg