Marrying into a narcissistic family  BROKE ME. My husband finally STOOD UP

IWill blogs

If one person is a narcissist, their abuse can break you! But if the whole family is a narcissistic cult, it just doesn't break you, it makes a person totally mentally choked, highly anxious and depressed, and also completely away from reality.

 

Married into one such family, this is my story

1. Signs of A Narcissistic Family

• They believe that they are far superior to anyone else as a family and as a unit.

• They constantly compare you and your family with them to put you down.

• They care about their needs being fulfilled by you. They show 0 accountability towards your needs and if you minutely expect something from them, they show anger and disgust towards you. 

• They don't want you to have any strong bond with the key person in your life.

• In my case, this was my husband. They do everything to put you down, and gaslight your partner to see you and your intentions negatively!

• They attack you just to gain pleasure and have fun at your expense.

Their spaces are not for you. Your job is to listen to their stories and appreciate them

All of these signs were present in the family I was married to

My sister-in-law was the smartest according to them, my father-in-law was the most talented, my mother-in-law was the most beautiful and my husband the best SON...

They would keep comparing my father and father-in-law randomly, my beauty with my mother-in-law and my work and abilities, or that of my brother with sister, and my husband was always shown as the best son, whose number one job WAS TO JUST BE A GOOD SON!  

Every day being around them would make me feel so attacked. I wanted to say and praise my family too but anytime I even tried to say something, they would make that an issue and attack me for that... Like completely forgetting WHAT they did. 

They would all expect me to do everything for them.

My mother-in-law would say that I now have to take care of my sister-in-law's needs (who was by the way older than me). I had to do this and that for the home...

And if I would expect basic, they would be so angry and rage as though I had done a SIN. They would say things like \"This is not how it works...

\" You cannot ask for all this... YOU CANNOT GO TO WORK when guests are there! As though I just didn't exist! Cancel your holiday, my guests are coming, and so on! 

My husband was constantly compared to other male cousins and would hear things like, GAUTAM just does what his mom says.

Even the home is being bought in her home... This is how a son and a male should be, true to his family....Apart from this, don't forget your mother. Be there for your sister. Don't change... So much pressure that he was scared to even talk to me! 

Randomly they would make fun of me, especially on days that were special to me.... If I cooked well, later somebody would say, but you know her daughter-in-law makes food like no one else.

When I would look good, oh my god you were wearing so much jewelry. You are beautiful anyway. A baby got scared looking at you! (This was so painful :(

And many more things!

I was lonely, I was insulted, I was fulfilled and forced to do things as there would be constant comparison and wordplay to get a certain behavior out of me! 

I was not getting my husband's love... And that was breaking my heart! 

I joined IWill therapy because I was so anxious, so depressed, SO HURT, SO PAINED, SO UPSET, SO UNCLEAR, and SO LONELY

In therapy at IWill, first of all, my therapist helped me acknowledge that what I was dealing with, was beyond hurtful and beyond painful for anyone.

Dealing with a family that wants to break MY SELF-ESTEEM ON SO MANY LEVELS CAN be just so unbearable.

Next, she helped me identify that I needed to work on my depression and anxiety with her...

She helped me first see the good in me. She asked me to journal all the positive things said about me, outside this family cult, my achievements, and the qualities that I loved most about me... This exercise helped me at AT LEAST SEEING MYSELF AGAIN! 

Next, She helped me to learn to assert boundaries and not be affected by THEIR JUDGEMENTS ON ME. SHE HELPED ME SEE THAT TO NARCISSISTS, THE BEST WAY IS TO IGNORE THEM AND THEIR WISHES AND COMMENTS ON YOU. To continue doing things that need to be done, helps me!

She helped me learn to not be triggered...

They would give SILENT TREATMENT, they would give taunts, sarcasm, and comparisons but I learned that yes this is hurtful, yes this is meant to offend me but LISTENING TO THEM, I WILL DEPRIORITISE MYSELF, I WOULD CAUSE MORE HURT TO MYSELF AND LOSE OPPORTUNITIES! 

She also helped me connect with people who loved me and regain my sense of self, love, and encouragement...

As things improved and my work improved, she asked me to get my husband for couple therapy too.

She helped him see what was faulty in our relationship. She helped him see that HE was getting these instructions to be a good son only to avoid the role of being a husband. She HELPED HIM SEE THAT SAME WAS NOT EXPECTED FROM MY SISTER'S HUSBAND....

MY SISTER-IN-LAW'S HUSBAND AND HER WERE SEND ON DATES... Even his father was expected to be with his mom... Then why were HE AND I THE EXCEPTION....

She also helped us to develop our bond for each other... 

He started standing up for me... He started loving me and SEEING ME AS HIS OWN... He started making me his priority and breaking the narcissistic SPELL around me! 

I am glad I took therapy.... I FOUND MY TRUE CONFIDENT SELF AGAIN.....I found my happiness again.... I FOUND MY LOVE IN MY HUSBAND AND HE PROTECTED ME FROM THE FAMILIAL ABUSE...

Dealing with a narcissistic family is the worst pain ever.... I am glad I could come out of it 

Neerja Mittal 

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