IWill

IWill 2021-09-20 12:10 - 6 minute read

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Mother in law is partial to daughter & this would hurt me most 

Akanksha Rahedia

I don’t know about all daughter in-laws and don't want to say that everyone is good. But for me, when I came to this home, I really wanted to make this home my own, I had thought my mother-in-law would be like my own mother and that I would have two homes.

But this didn't happen to me! Ever since I got married, I saw that rules were different for me and my sister-in-law.
 

Whether it was love, gifts, rights, space, and concern, everything was given to my sister-in-law. Though she was elder to me, my mother-in-law would do everything for her. Yet when it came to me, even a small miss up, my mother-in-law would look at me and act like I did a blunder.

I was always secondary. No one asked for my choice, no one cared if I was excelling, My wins were not celebrated. My achievements were not appreciated! 

 

The home was always obsessed with my sister-in-law and her needs.

Even if I got some attention, my sister-in-law would get insecure that my mother-in-law would pull it back. But if I was a child too and if I was going to now live here forever, how could I live in an environment like this?

My husband if he paid attention to me, my sister in law would tell him he is forgetting his mom. This would make both his mom and husband insecure and while the husband would ignore me, the mother-in-law would think like I am some problem.

I HAD to do everything on my own. No one offered me a cup of coffee. While for my sister-in-law, just like a mother does, everything would be done. I was a 25-year-old girl too, and I wanted some care too. Was I not a child? Why was I treated like I was a maid? Even maids shouldn’t go through this!

I was beyond depressed. I was always disappointed.  No matter what I did, I was always ignored. I was expected to say sorry, to always please my sister in law and I did not like that.

If she was unwell, I WAS SUPPOSED to empathize with her but if I WAS unwell, she would get away with saying it's nothing and everyone, including my mother-in-law, would say nothing!

I was really lonely. So I would go to my parents. This would be again used against me as “I only want to be with my parents”. My husband while there during the evening and wanting to support me, was also himself constantly blamed and guilt-tripped for being with me.

I was stuck. I was depressed. I was alone. The little child in me was suffering because of this discrimination and anger and frustration penting up. 

 

I joined IWill therapy after reading a blog. 

And IT WAS in therapy that my therapist understood me and didn't judge me. She didn't say, oh but you are a daughter-in-law!
She understood my emotions for love, for equality, for seeing myself too as the daughter of the home! 

She understood how I was hurting without love, due to the discrimination!

She helped me refocus on myself, say assertively, how I felt… and not be boxed.

She also helped me to be ok in taking the love of my parents and not be restricted to a definition that only I needed to care about. 

She also in couple therapy settings encouraged my husband to support me and see me as his core family, that I WAS and stand for my happiness too. Standing for one doesn't mean standing against another in the family! 

She helped me set my boundaries and not link my self-worth to my mother-in-law’s validation or differences that she had. It wasn’t my fault!

Through therapy at IWill, I have been able to regain my happiness, focus on my life and also assert and speak when someone is attacking me and ignoring me or making me feel less. But also I don't seek validation or love only from someone who is biased. My husband too now doesn't hesitate to spend time with me and doesn't get manipulated.

I am glad to have found my happiness! How i wished, daughter in-laws got the same love, I wouldn't have needed therapy for this then... But I am glad we have someone who doesn't judge us and helps us

Akanksha Rahedia

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