My husband would give me love only to ignore me even more. It made me deprived of love and self worth

Shreya Dhingra

It wasn't that my husband didn't love me.

My husband in fact post-marriage on some days would show me so much love that it would make me go weak in my knees, he would give me all the attention, and he would give me so much love that I would feel like he loved me like no one else 

And then suddenly he would withdraw all attention, on small matters fight with me and withhold his love, make me feel like it was his mistake loving me, until I would beg for his affection and his love, would make me feel like I was wrong and needed to apologise for what I had done! 

The more time passed. The more he did this. Higher love and for less time and more withholding! 

I had lost my ability to work, I would constantly stuck in my thoughts on him, of how to keep him loving me and have his passionate attention on me.

I knew that this was not normal
Normal couples have predictability
They don't make a person incapacitated for going about their daily routines!

But I had no control on my emotions 

I was crying, sad and really struggling! 

I joined iwill therapy and it was here that my therapist at IWill helped me see that this format of relationship was toxic

As I was losing my self respect, my self to keep him, and his passion!

I was losing my sense of right and wrong just to keep him feeling good about me, even when it came at the expense of what was right for me.

My work had suffered so much that I had lost more in this relationship at work than I had gained all these years and she said she would help me get stronger but I had to stop this craving, I had to stop this need to have him and his love at the expense of me

When I asked is he intentionally doing all this, she responded that it could be his way of managing his control, his anxiety in relationships, may not be conscious but it was certainly an unhealthy pattern and the sad, upset portions would only increase as we moved ahead in life.

She in IWill therapy helped me to create distractions,

to manage emotional pain, to maintain boundaries and draw the line and not fall for these emotional highs and to get these accept terrible lows

She helped me get stronger, again gain my sense of self in work and my personal life, take care of how I looked, and spend time in Social circles to feel covered and emotionally secure.

When my husband realized that his tactics are not working on me anymore, he became more aggressive and then finally saying he too wanted to join therapy.

I am taking this slow and I don't know if our relationship can get normal or not, but one thing is certain, these are early days and I will not fall in this cycle where I am more and more devalued to get some love and in that process, every part of my other personality just to please a man and please one part of me that wants to be loved by him at all costs.

Currently, I have realized that all costs in this case is me and my future and I am not ok with it! 

Shreya Dhingra