IWill

IWill 2021-09-14 07:53 - 8 minute read

Book & Start IWill Therapy Now Online On Play Store App Store

My wife is not with me to please everyone. She is here to live her life 

IWill blogs

My wife Aarti said that she was suffocating under the pressure of being my wife. She said rather than feeling at home, she feels that she is giving an examination, a test each day.

She said that she was choking and she blamed me for her unhappiness.

She wanted us to join IWill therapy and looking at how adamant she was I agreed.

So the IWill therapist asked me in one of the sessions, what do you think is bothering your wife and why do you think what she feels is not valid ?

So I said, I know she is married to me and she is my wife. But if she makes a place in everyone's heart then only she will become a true family member. If initially for some time, she spends her time in looking after the needs of other family members, what they like, what they want from her and focuses on that, there is no harm. I and my wife have a lifetime together. We can spend time later. We can have fun later too but I think first it's important that she wins everyone's heart...

So the therapist at IWill said, I understand your perspective and you at the bottom of it want that your wife is loved and accepted by everyone in your home so that she feels at home...

And of course, it's important that she is loved by the family. But in this way, she is not gaining any love, the reality is that she is getting choked...

IWill therapist then said that let me ask a few questions to make this point clear so that you can understand things from Aarti's perspective. 

Why did you guys get married? What was the essence of it? 

 

Because I loved her and she loved me and we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together happily. 

Ok, so you agree that the core relationship, the first relationship is between you and your wife?

 

Yes absolutely! She is related first to me and through me to others, I agree... 

 

Ok, so you say you have all the time together and first it's important that she makes a rapport with your family.

By that logic, should you also not be making rapport with her family? Should they have come here to live with you so that you could understand them or should you have spent more time with them to win their hearts? 

 

That is not how it works, I said to the IWill therapist.

Exactly, it doesn't work like this! In the same way, the relationship between you two is prime, it is the essence of this marriage.

The first step is to strengthen this bond.

The first step is to have immense love and togetherness and companionship shared between you two...When this bond strengthens and if this bond strengthens then only would the good phase of your marriage start.. She needs to be happy with you.

You need to be happy with her first... 

 

 I was quiet and listening to what she said...Though it was hard-hitting, it made a lot of sense... Before I could think any more, IWill therapist asked another question... 

Ok, and do you think your wife had a home, a personality, a life before marriage, some individuality? 

 

Well of course she had. What kind of question is this, I asked!

 

So this is her new family, right? 

 

Yes it is! 

 

And so in your family, do you always do things as others want you to do or others also do things that you want ?

 

Of Course it's a family, I have every right to express myself... I do things for them and they do things for me. Its mutual. Isn't that family is all about? I said... 

 

And is this your wife's family too?

 

Yes without a doubt it is!

So why do you think your wife's job is to please everyone?

You yourself agreed when your wife narrated that yes she wakes up before everyone else, she is told to wear a certain kind of clothes, be a certain way, do things for the family, she is expected not to spend time with you, take care of everyone's wishes...

And this has been forgotten that she had a home where she was loved irrespective of what she did or did not do for the family...

Her choices mattered, her needs mattered, who she is mattered. If this is her home, it should be the same here...

The pressure to please everyone is making her self-esteem take a dip because even she has seen how families work and this image does not match with it... When she got tired, her mother used to give her a cup of coffee, she gets tired here too but no one gives that care or concern here to her...And it's not anyone else's job. It's your job! 

Because you are her home here... Imagine how would you feel if, in this home, you are asked to just do things that please others, laugh, smile, and express your ownself like others want, imagine if you too would have to work endlessly to get a place in your family's heart, wouldn't that break you down? Wouldn't that be unfair?

I was speechless. When the therapist was explaining this to me, I was remembering that yes my wife in her own home, would wake up just before her office time, she used to get everything done for her, she was loved, kissed, hugged, taken care of, by her parents, when she was hungry, they would know automatically and here in my home, we just did not care for her needs.

I realized that my wife is still the same person, she has the same memories of her family and what was happening here was that only we expected things from her.. 

And then I heard the IWill therapist again

 

She said, you are her family. You need to ensure that rather than pleasing everyone, she is happy in this home and everyone treats her with kindness, dignity and respect. That she gets as much as she gives...

 

Manhood and man's strength is not in letting the wife please everyone... In a new family, a person closest to you, who is alone, will naturally feel out of place. Man's strength, real strength is in making space for her wife in his home, making sure that she is accepted as family, that she is not there just to please everyone, but is there to live her life... 

 

I really felt guilty...My wife was genuinely in pain...

If I HAD been in her place, I wouldn't have survived even for a day... She kept being someone else just because she loved me but I kept ignoring my duties towards her...

 

Therapy helped her to undo the pain as well...

Not just I understood where I was wrong, therapy helped her to lessen her pain, to be focussed on self, to be happier...

In therapy now I and she are working with our therapist to get closer, to learn how to support each other despite the odds...I am learning to be her man, not be someone who crushes her spirit. I am learning how to let my wife live her life happily with me, without having to just please us at her expense... 

Sushant 

Book & Start IWill Therapy Now Online On Play Store App Store

The 
w
 Journey
The best online therapy experience
Play Store App Store