Separation from my husband was the toughest phase for me emotionally! It is NO JOKE

IWill blogs

Separation from my husband was the toughest phase for me emotionally! It is NO JOKE

1. I look at my phone a million times a day just to see if he has sent me one message! 

2. I would think obsessively on a loop of our good times, of the love he gave me. My memory would blur out, erase, or remove the bad times, and just make me crave, remember, and shed tears for the happiness that I lost! 

3. Hurting so much internally just thinking how has he moved on, is he not thinking of me... How could he so easily just leave me...

4. Obsessively checking his old WhatsApp chats with me, our pictures, and his social media for just feeling some comfort, to find some current news and updates of him.

5. Going to sit at our common joints of meeting and dining earlier just in the hope that he might just come there and I might just see him! 

6. Thinking of all that is lost... The opportunity to love

7. Not being able to work at all because the pain would make me sit and cry or just see something that could distract my mind!
8. Having severe crying spells as each day it would become more clear that our lives would never get back together...

Nobody wants a separation... I loved my husband a lot...

He was also someone who would shower love on me... But his anger issues, his drinking habit, and his hot and cold behavior were very tough on me...

When he would get angry, he would just fight and leave talking to me for several days and then I would have to beg him, lower my self-esteem to get his love back...

And then when it would come back, I would again be on cloud nine, with his excessive attention, his praises, his time, only for it to go again with his next cycle of anger! 

Also, his mother didn't like me and he was under her influence. He would pick fights with me also when she would say something, about me, my nature, attitude!
 

The unpredictability, the anger issues, the extreme rage was too painful, and once he was just about to hit me... He pushed me hard... I tried working through this cycle for a good 2 years but nothing in him changed... He would say a half-hearted sorry, only to repeat this next time. And then one day he hurled abuses at me... It escalated so much that I had to decide to seek separation...

I decided this but the happiness I GOT with his love, MY ATTACHMENT TO HIM was breaking me each day... His ego was so high that he couldn't make changes...

If I did not connect with him, he never did connect with me too. There was no change in him... And yet each phase of separation I would feel what I shared above... There was very high pain in me because of this...

I joined IWill therapy when the pain became unbearable as I otherwise would have been so emotional that I would have begged him to stay!!!

It was in IWill therapy that my therapist helped me see that I was of course facing a lot of pain because it wasn't just ANGER, it was a lot of love that I got from him and that is why I am in this confusion, in this dilemma, in this hurt and wanting him back...

But she helped me see and recall and focus on all days and times, he was so unpredictable that I was left on my own. She helped me see how that pain had caused and this high and low had caused me to become a different person than the one I was before I was with him...

My work had taken a back seat because every day my brain would be wondering if I could get love or hate from him... He had broken my trust so many times that my brain was always in a fear or flight stage...

She helped me see that I missed work so many times in the past 2 years, that my unhappiness had grown so much because I didn't get one promotion, I did so much extra spending on days to cover up the pain of fights...

ALL OF THIS WAS MASSIVELY UNHEALTHY... While his emotional expression was fine, the overall emotional support, love, and anchor that a man needs to be as a partner, he wasn't that at all! 

She helped me to remember this daily...

She also said that this pain would take time, that there would be many days and weeks and even months when I would miss him and each time later on too, when I come across information about him, him being with someone, him being happy without me, all of that would make me question myself and my decisions. 

The only thing I needed in all this was to be aware that this is natural after a relationship breakup of this nature and this intensity... I just needed to live with it, and remember that I have to stay firm for my self-respect and incompatibility with him and future life...

She helped me focus on work despite the pain.

She helped me start taking care of myself and meeting new friends and people.

She helped me focus on how I looked.

She would schedule sessions to help me vent out, speak all the hurt, control my urge to Communicate and beg again because of this addiction-like feeling he gave me...... 

And finally, I was successful. 

Finally, I did overcome...

Finally, I bought my own home with my money and had no absenteeism.

Finally, I had friends and relationships that didn't swing me to highs and lows..

Finally, I realized that this high-intensity relationship would have broken and incapacitated me for life...

I still sometimes crave his attention, his presence but I immediately remind myself of the anger, the terror, the loss of me, the loss of respect, the loss of work that all happened just to get some breadcrumbs of love...

And when I remind myself of that, MY PAIN GOES AWAY!

Separation is so tough! No matter if you want the divorce yourself due to one reason, 10 other reasons make you think back of the same person.... I am GLAD I TOOK HELP AND THERAPY AT IWILL. I would highly recommend this process to any woman or man who is going through a tough phase in a relationship, tolerating abuse or wanting to get out but being stuck there because of intensely attached emotions and the pain!! Please seek help!

I am out and I don't MISS THAT GUY AT ALL anymore!!! I can see how all that love was just sprinkled over a pile of abuse... THAT DESTROYED ME

Shikha MIttal

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