IWill 2022-12-09 01:45 - 4 minute read

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Some adjustments asked for in marriages are text book emotional abuse patterns. Read more

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Emotional abuse is hurting someone emotionally to inflict pain, csuse harm in a pattern or a repeated basis.

Some things that are expected in marriage in the name of adjustments are emotional abuse patterns. These can break anyone and are extremely bad for mental health. These patterns in the name of adjustments are wrong and should be discarded! 


Here are some examples 


1. Expecting partner to be suppressing their personal wishes 

Many families want a newly married person to not have individual wishes. They say it's now needed for the person to adopt to the new ways, do as people want, please them and adjust and change over night.

Denying someone the right to expect or have their preferred routine is abuse. It can break anyone. This is a pattern of emotional abuse in which a person is denied their wishes. It can be extremely painful, cause a lot of emotional disorientation and unhappiness 


2. Denying the right to express 

In the name of adjustments, in some marriages, the right to express, the right to say things a person feels is stopped. This is also done in the name of respect for others, being a family, having one unified voice.

But ultimately this is emotional abuse. We all need the right to express. We all need the right to be able to say that what we feel like. This is what makes a person feel alive, loved, respected, wanted and heard. And when this is taken away, it is emotional abuse.


3. Competition and show downs with family 

Who do you love more. It has to be your mother.

Don't forget your own parents for someone who came yesterday

A woman must adjust to learn that her husband is first of his own family and also adjust that her own parents should come last for her.

Such expectations are classic toxic emotional abuse..what does this person then hold on to. Her husband should not give her attention while she should forget her own family. This lack of emotional affinity and secondary status is what classic emotional abuse patterns look like and can empty a person, make them depressed and unhappy for life.

This adjustment expectation comes from a complete inability to see a person's emotions. It comes at a disregard of her self.


4. Being ok in taking disrespect 

So what she laughed at you. She is your Bua in law 

So what they commented on your parents. It was innocent fun.

So what they took a joke on you. You should be able to enjoy


Expecting a person to enjoy at their expense, enjoy jokes, remarks and insults made on them is not adjustment, it is abuse of one's emotions. It's abuse of their individuality. Imagine if these people are subjected to the same. Would they be able to take it.

Abuse taking name of adjustments should be stopped. So many people get depressed, hopeless, scarred for life and unhappy because of this.


Marriage is for acceptance, mutual respect, growth, affinity and love. Marriage is not for denial, dominance, discrimination and destroying someone's sense of self and mental health.


So many people are in IWill therapy because ironically they got abuse in the name of marriage. If you are dealing with a lot personally too, seek help, don't see yourself as alone. You need to heal and stand for yourself.

Abuse in the name of adjustments needs to stop and first step to do this is to call out this sham and name it right, build awareness. This first step needs everyone to speak.

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