The worst pain is to be with a man who can sleep while you are crying 

Vineeta Sharma

It was a painful argument between us too. I was trying to tell him how I needed his time, his presence. I was emotionally charged and then he yelled at me leading me to cry inconsolably. He kept looking at me from a distance.

He didn't come close to stopping me from crying. I kept crying... he kept looking and then he went and slept saying he had an early morning of work so he could not sit because he had compulsions.

Another day I was in pain because of my parents being sick. He was there for me... In fact, with me, he was doing everything for my parents... But I said to him, I am terrified...

What will happen... What will be the next course of action... And he said...At this time should I manage your panic or manage his health...

He was right technically... We needed to take care of my father...

But then I was not wrong either. I just needed two words of comfort from my partner... And I couldn't get them.

 

Another time, I struggled at work, and I cried all day—large and loud cries.

And he sat next to me and said, \"SOMETIMES IT FEELS YOU ENJOY PAIN... YOU ENJOY BEING SAD... THERE IS SO MUCH WORK THAT YOU NEED TO DO... SO MUCH HAS BEEN INVESTED ON YOU... I WAS SO HAPPY YOU HAD A JOB AND ALL YOU DO IS CRY!\" 

His parents treated me poorly... He started standing up for me much later... And that too when attacks started on him. But if I expressed my grief and pain, he would not listen.

He would say the most bitter things to me... And then when I cried, showed no remorse or at least didn't come and apologise... Much later when time passed, he would say sorry.... Too little and many times too late... 

This absence, this negligence would break me.., Of Course he did many things for me... But I did them for him too. Of Course he left many opportunities for him... But I worked hard too... 

In this balance all one needs is someone who cannot see you cry... Who doesn't cause you pain... Who doesn't let you be in pain...

AND THAT WAS NOT MY PARTNER FOR ME...

This was like a slow disease... In small parts, it was never enough to break the marriage or even make relationships look unhealthy... But with time, this became too big to ignore. Too painful to process...

I was depressed, hurt, unhappy, and lonely! 

I was broken, feeling no love and feeling alone in this world.

I joined IWill therapy sessions. I saw a post that was just describing my pain... And that motivated me to book IWill therapy sessions.

It was here in these sessions that my therapist helped me process my pain... I cried and cried, expressing my pain, without the baggage of being judged for it, or telling a family member about my problems.

She diagnosed me with depression and

helped explain that when we cry in the presence of our loved one and nothing changes, it can make homes, the loved one feel unsafe to the brain...

It stores the person and the environment with a memory of pain and no action... A place where you cannot be comforted... A place where you are on your own... And this is very threatening for the brain... It can be isolating and can be seen as being lonely or being punished for sharing your emotions...

True companionship is caring for each other , Standing up for each other, Wiping tears and hurt and I was missing that badly in my life.

This is what had caused me all my hurt...

She however helped me learn that I could not be letting my own health go down with this... She helped me realize that now I know why the hurt is happening.. So I could manage it...

She helped me learn that I will not be sharing my pains with him anymore, at least not in the short term..

She helped me learn that I needed to focus on my career, and my wellbeing and no matter how much pain I had stored within me, it would only increase if I continued sharing it in the environment I was in... It would just add up...

For emotional release, she helped me with exercises like journalling, crying time set aside. 

And for less pain processing, she helped me with other techniques that helped me feel much less emotional hurt and pain in real time... 

I started working better.

I started looking better.

i would cry to songs, cry to my journal, less to him..

I started hanging out with friends... I started healing within myself...

I don't cry to sleep... And even when I do... I don't cry anymore that someone isn't bothered...

What I will do with my life ahead and about this relationship is still something I am not too sure of...

But whatever I do from here will set me for my growth, my happiness, my laughter, my joy, not my stagnant life, not someone telling me I enjoy pain, not tears, not pain, not broken heart or broken expectations.

 

Thank you IWill... 

Vineeta Sharma

If you are dealing with pain, a life that feels stuck, or one where you are not able to be your best version, if there is discord and hurt and pain in relationships thats breaking you, seek IWill therapy., Sessions are online and with the best and most empathic and experienced therapists in India. For booking and starting your sessions, download the app from link below and start therapy journey today