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IWill 2022-05-18 01:32 - 8 minute read

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Things you go through if you have Mama's boy husband 

Saloni Vishwas

Mama's boy as a husband is not the same as a loving son for his mother. Every son and daughter should love their parents and be for them. Mama's boy is a dysfunctional pattern where the son has difficulty accepting, forming, and being comfortable in having an independent relationship with their wife or partner and also dysfunctional dependencies in taking critical decisions of life.

 

Being married to a mama's boy husband, I went through a lot. I am sharing some things that may be relatable to many 

1. He was always sorry for loving me. It was like he was guilty. He felt a need to apologize if he spent time with me. He always would say things like, my mother needs me. I am feeling so bad she is not here, I am not spending this time with her. She feels bad. I am feeling bad I have taken this holiday. 

And I would feel terrible... Was I nothing to him? Why did he feel the need to apologize or be sad? Where was this coming from?

2. There would always be drama. He would attack me for the slightest of things his mom felt bad about. Why are you doing this? Why did you say this? I don't like anyone hurting my mom. On the slightest of things, most normal conversations that everyone in the family has all day, if I said the same, his mom would react and he would come and fight me. 

My self-respect, my need to belong, to feel at home, all had broken completely down! 

3. There was always a comparison. He always wanted to show his mom that he loves her the most. But that came at expense of my mental health. Oh, your food is good, but mom is best. I love you but mom is always my first love. My mom takes care of me like no one else...

 It almost felt like he wants me to babysit him and at the same time, never feel that I did a good job! He had completely misunderstood my role in his life! 

4. There was always a feeling of being an outsider. He wouldn't visit my parents as much because he feared offending his mother. He would not share anything that he hasn't already shared with his mother. Again due to fear of offending her. His important decisions had to be taken by her. They were always talking about things that mattered and I felt like a furniture

I was someone who didn't feel that I was the woman of his house

5. You are the other woman. I never thought I would know how this feels like but marrying to a mama's boy made me feel like it. There were constant comparisons, I was always made to feel like I have to compete with someone. I was always made to feel like how my husband would never listen to me, never do what I said, would always put me at the back, would make me feel empty, and not give me his attention. I felt like I was competing to be his partner...A feeling I never thought I will have... I had thought we will have 4 parents and we would live happily but to feel like the other person in an equation where my husband just to please his mother would insult me, isolate me, ignore me, attack me, I had never thought this would happen and that broke me 

6. You are always misunderstood: If I asked for love, I was labeled selfish. If I would point out how i was important too, I would be labeled as not having family values or oh my god, you are against my mother. What kind of a woman are you... I was left to be ok with hurt, isolation, and not even questioning this because OH THAT WOULD MAKE ME A BAD WOMAN, WHO IS AGAINST SOMEONE'S MOTHER... Like seriously?

I suffered a lot... I lost my self-confidence... I was so devoid of love and i loved my husband so much that it broke me down... To struggle to see him the man I had imagined him to be! A man who would be there, love, value and have special space for me and pamper me...

I joined IWill therapy a couple of months ago. THERAPY first helped me to damage control and stop hurting myself anymore by ignoring my needs. SHE helped me get back to a social circle, prioritize my career, and self goals and feel good about myself and not value myself basis this dysfunctional dynamic. 

As I started getting better, I somehow got my husband to join therapy too as before taking any final steps, I wanted to give my relationship a chance! 

In therapy, my therapist at IWIll helped him see how if I did the same things how would he feel.

Role-playing if I would compare him on everything to my father, what would his self-esteem or mood would be like.

She helped him see that just to express my opinion, much like he has the freedom to do, he was attacking me, making me ask sorry, why was I less to him than me?

She helped him also see how our relationship was beautiful, long term and independent.  She helped him and me, explore our bond and see how much happiness we can get when we are together and how being with me is not abandoning his mother, like my being with him, is not abandoning my parents, its about a complete new relational dimension, much like he goes to work for 10 hours a day and he shouldn't feel guilty for that, he couldn't even feel guilty for this!

Things are changing between us...

But the trauma I have been through is a lot and would take time to heal completely! I am sharing my pain and changes in hope that someone going through this will try IWill therapy and also feel that they are not alone

Saloni Vishwas 

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