Toxic relationships never change. Every year I was scared to leave and it only got worse

IWill blogs

Toxic relationships are not just bad. They are very good at places, incredibly good and addictive and very bad at other places.

They keep you on a Rollercoaster, they give you so much love and then withhold it like it was never there, they starve you for attention and love and that broke me.

My and my partner fell in love in college. He would sing poems for me, he would buy me flowers each day, say words of love like never spoken for anyone, take care of me like never someone could, and i just kept getting deeper in love.

Yes there were red flags.

Whenever I planned something independently, he would withhold all the attention, all the love.

Whenever I would say something to him in anger, he would always say such bad things in anger rea

Really like he never cared for me.... and i would do begging to have his love and when he gave his attention back to me life would become normal... ignoring all the red flags i married him

My marriage turned into a nightmare. I was deprived of love to make me a proper addict. If I would work and have less time for him, he would completely ignore me, withhold his affection until I couldn't work, had to stop everything, beg for love, pretend to be not well to get his empathy back.

And then everytime, i couldn't get angry. I had to listen to him, not argue with him, be always there for him.

And each time I was more broken, more alone.

He didn't like anyone in my family, didn't love anyone around me.

He didn't let me remain in touch with my friends. He would fight , ignore, give silent treatment if I would go to my people.

I was broken beyond repair. I wanted to get off him, but his pull, his highs were so strong and they kept making me feel, something will be better, something will come that is nicer, some more love i will find.

He never changed. I lost my health and he would blame me for it.

I lost my work and he was silently happy with it, the dependence on him, I lost my circle and he had his full family.... this time I was sure... the abuse was so much that I was sure that I want to break free but I needed help.. I needed support.

I joined IWill therapy and it was here that I could understand that this was classic toxic relationship of which I was a part of....

I was broken because I was in a relationship designed to serve only him.

He gave love because he wanted to and that was for his happiness not mine. And he withheld it because it was his punishment, my pain was not his concern... she helped me see that saying these words meant nothing.

No matter hard it was to go away from him, I had to do it for my work to be revived, for my health to remain.. she helped me focus on work, she helped me draw boundaries from him and initially not show anything, no confrontation, no demands.

When I started working, i started spending time with friends, i started taking care of myself.

I found strength withjn me. My therapist at IWill helped me see patterns of the same thing, even the highs were his need to feel good, even the love making, even the spending, all was controlled by him.... and this only worked for him, not me...

The haze started fading... and I knew he would do drama. But i filed for divorce... he tried to make my life hell as expected but I didn't bother or didn't give in.

I knew I had to be out of this. I finally after 2 years have gotten a divorce with 15 years of my life wasted chasing smoke and mirror. I am glad atleast I still have life remaining. I still have my world...

I am starting everything from scratch... toxic relationships don't get better. They make you worse.

If you recognise this pattern, its painful, its hurtful but find a way out... seek help seek support but don't break yourself!

If you are dealing with pain, a life that feels stuck, or one where you are not able to be your best version, if there is discord and hurt and pain in relationships thats breaking you, seek IWill therapy., Sessions are online and with the best and most empathic and experienced therapists in India. For booking and starting your sessions, download the app from link below and start therapy journey today