IWill

IWill 2021-06-29 08:29 - 2 minute read

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Why do I feel like doing nothing or talking to no one and yet feel so guilty?

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The whole day I lay in my bed looking at the fan on the ceiling, my eyes welling up many times, and I did nothing.

In the back of my mind would run thoughts of being a failure, thinking about how difficult was I making my life... How difficult was it getting to make a "come back"... And yet nothing moved in me...

I went from one thought to another, "what would x think about me", "why am I so lousy", "What all did I have to do", "do I even know what I want from life, from this moment", "why am I so lonely"...

 

This was not just one day. This was my everyday...

I was losing interest to live... I had nothing to look forward to. I was really dull... To others I was lazy, careless, ruining my career but to me, I was just incapacitated by a disease, a disease, I did not know how to describe, seek help for...A disease that made me slow, sluggish, unhappy, disappointed, and had sapped all my happy side from me...

A disease I know now is DEPRESSION...

 

I had started my therapy at IWill way back last year... I was in the dumps at the time and even the idea of having to talk to someone looked difficult but I convinced...As the therapist spoke to me, i CRIED AND CRIED... 

 

It was here in sessions that I could see my past pain, my working like a robot, having no friends, having distance from family, partner being busy in his life, I had slowly slipped into depression... I had stopped believing in myself, my story... The chase of the world outside and how little I had achieved got to me... The lack of empathy for me, the lack of comfort or space for me, got to me...

I felt guilty yet I was drained leading this pleasure less tough, the life of blames, the life of nothingness... And the nothingness was causing more guilt.. It was a vicious cycle... But my therapist helped me break it...

She helped me see my importance in life for others who really loved me... I couldn't be seeing how few people feel about me and making judgments.

She helped me see how having lost on goals in past, shouldn't hold me down... I had the right to restart but do it better and with balance this time.

She helped me clean my headspace, and ask for help from others... when needed 

 

I was better slowly, less upset, less hopeless and it was a journey... if you are stuck where I was stuck, it could be depression. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF LIKE OTHERS AND GET HELP FOR YOURSELF... YOU DESERVE IT

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