Worst pain is to have a partner who acts like spokesperson of their family & attacks you

S Srinivasan

How dare you talk to my family like that?

You told them, you won’t do this..why?

Mummy was expecting you to be there.. why didn’t you go?

My sister was saying no partner dominates as you do. Why do you want me to do always what you say... I have other people

You just have to listen and do what my family says... 

 

Again I was made fun of ... they remarked on my dress. Compared with other people in the family? - did you see that I asked.

And my partner replied I would never interfere nor see all this. You should adjust, be careful and let go. They have seen more life than you... 

This is not how people behave in public. Even mummy was saying this...

These were interactions between me and my partner, 80% of the time. My partner acted like they were the spokesperson of their family. They would judge my behavior basis what their family told them... they would tell me, want to control me basis how their family wanted me to be.. 

 

And this was killing my individuality

It was making me feel like I am with someone who is not even mine... they are just their family’s and they never see my side... 

It was making me feel abused. Did I marry a partner or someone who just wanted to prove to their family, how they were so in love with them and had no feelings for me? 

What kind of relationship was this? 

 

I had expected so much from this marriage, so much love, respect. This was the last thing I ever thought could happen to me. 

And yet it did... I didn’t know what to do next. But I knew this was wrong... and it was breaking me, making me feel “ganged up against” and really intentionally isolated and lonely... 

I joined IWill therapy when I read about it on a news blog... it was in therapy that I first got the empathy, where I was understood. My therapist didn’t tell me to just adjust, tolerate whatever is coming my way in the name of society. 

Then she helped me learn assertion, boundaries and get away from this fear that if I say something, or do something for myself, my partner would leave me... I couldn’t be living because of fear in a situation where I felt so unhappy...

I started asserting, started expecting less from my partner but more from myself... 

 

I would say no to doing things that made me feel discriminated against! 

I didn’t interact with those who made me feel less about myself nor did I become a part of events and places where I was the target... 

 

Marriage is not a relationship where you just attack your partner for your family or or for your own ego. A person comes in your life with a hope of having you by their side... 

 

My partner when I started asserting, showing the grit to stand for the self, started changing and started seeing my point of view too. They knew I will not be fearful of them or their attacks anymore...

Later on, they too joined therapy... and this was an eye-opener for them, into their own behavior and how inhumanly had they treated me, just as someone with no heart and how they had only had emotionally let me so down due to pressure of proving to be a good family person. How they had treated me so differently and how if the same things happened to them, they wouldn’t have been able to take it even for a day... 

I am glad I took help and ended the continuing mess myself. I didn’t get a partner who respected me from day one and that’s the sad part but I am just happy that I could stand for my respect and end this unfairness! 

S.Srinavasan 

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