Worst pain is when a husband blames you for their behavior

And never changes

 When my husband would get angry, he could say anything to me, insult me, say bad things about my character, and make me feel really bad

 Other days, when I was being all bubbly, too nice to him, taking care of him, he would be nice too, he would also take care of me

And I would forget everything

But then again, when I would ask him to be accountable, to take his responsibility, he would attack me that everything is because of me. Because I do not support him

 If I would ask anything, he would snub me

He would waste his time and blame me if I took time off

 I would not be able to share my little joys with him

He would never let me cherish any good thing that he did for me

 And yet then to make up for all his anger, his emotional dryness, his attacks, and his ignorance, he would buy me gifts, or give me attention

This consistent Behavior of his for the longest period made me learn that to keep him happy, and keep peace going in the home,

I didn't have to ask him for accountability. That would mean me taking the extra load, me taking up all responsibilities, me ensuring I am making everyone happy

He still finds his way to keep himself emotionally distant. If I asked him for a hug, he would say no and that he was meditating; he would be angry with me for his failures

I had lost emotional support. I had become lonely

I had no one to share my mind with

I was becoming overburdened and confused. I would feel that asking for love was my mistake

I joined IWill therapy, and it was here that my therapist acknowledged my pain

She helped me see that I was not wrong

No matter how supportive a husband is in some areas of life, emotional sharing, and being able to rely on each other is core part of being in a romantic relationship

The fact that he conveniently pushed all responsibilities on me, including that of making everyone happy and managing home finances, and still feels like a failure, broke me down

 I was pushed to become an underappreciated, lonely man of the house

 She helped me learn to assert my boundaries

 She helped me learn to say no, to find a way to make the other person accept their side of the responsibilities, too

 She also encouraged me to start spending time with friends, take care and do things for myself

She helped me share my emotions, cry, feel the love and understanding, and care that I needed

 I started standing up for myself. I started creating my space

When I started spending time with my friends, I started seeing how I was healing

He attacked me more, ignored me, but I didn't stop asserting myself

 I am slowly moving towards some independence in my career and my life

 I am healing.

I have asked him to join IWill therapy, and we will see if he agrees.

My life would have been so much better if i would have gotten a partner who shared my emotions, my pain, who allowed me to be vulnerable with him and tell him his mistakes

 My 19 years can never come back, and that grief will always be there with me. But I will try to heal more, make my life beautiful, and take care of myself, and all the health I lost