IWill

IWill 2021-10-02 01:06 - 4 minute read

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Worst pain was to wake up every morning without Hope & anything to look forward to

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I had gone through a lot in life. 

And it wasn’t all because of others. I had ignored myself a lot. I had not prioritized myself, my goals, my life. I had been less hard working. I had been involved in pleasing others and getting depleted. I had gone through stress-caused illnesses. I am sure my physical illness too was because of stress! And mental pain! 

I had been left behind with no career. 

I had been facing issues of emotional health. I was angry because of past abuse. I was upset because of other’s behavior! I was lonely inside! I was fearful because of my health! 

I had no sense of direction! I had no sense of where to look forward to!

I had a feeling everything was lost. I didn’t feel like trying anymore! 

In the night I would cry and think, I would do something from tomorrow!

 

But morning when I woke up, except for routine tasks, I could do nothing! Somedays even routine task was rough! 

 

I felt burning anxiety in my belly! 

I wanted to cry by yelling at the top of my voice! 

I wanted to be nonexistent at one point and then at other would pray for miracles!

 

But one thing was consistent! That was this emptiness, this lack of Hope, this lack of even understanding what I now could do to make myself happy!

I was just so unhappy with myself, my life! I felt ashamed every moment! I was full of regrets every moment! 

 

My life partner asked me to join iwill therapy! 

And it was in therapy that I discovered this dullness, this pain, this lack of a plan was not because all was lost, it was because of depression! 

 

Depression is a serious mental illness that Hijacks your mind, your brain!

It makes you remember only your past pains and issues with you! It makes you ignorant of the good things you did, you are capable of, the change that can happen, the people who can help you, the ways in which you can be out of your issues! It makes you just see everything in one plain, blacklight! 

The therapist first helped me speak all my pain out. She helped me step by step believe how I wasn’t all failed, how I wasn’t doomed! How even today I could change my life... 

 

She helped me see some great things about me, focusing on what I could do.

She helped me adopt strategies and stick to them that curbed my helplessness, that stopped this panic alarm 24*7 in me, that made me feel hopeful in life again!

My spouse joined too and the therapist helped to even make my life partner understand how they could do their part to give me strength, to make me feel like I could do it, to be there in my dull moments!

She helped me learn so many skills and techniques to manage my mental health, this negative image that was breaking everything for me! 

 

As the dark clouds of depression started going away from the way I felt. Thought and was... i started taking baby steps consistently... the consistent part is important for my happiness! 

Today I am much better. I feel hopeful. I feel at peace... I feel I have time. I feel I will be what I deserve to Be! I don’t compare myself with everyone and break myself anymore! 

I don’t fear mornings! I don’t fear my days anymore.. I am happy being alive and I am sure i will have everything I deserve. This is all that matters to me! 

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