Yes I am depressed, and it is not my fault. I’ve been here before and survived.

IWill blogs

Yes, depression is my reality!

I have been through cycles of toxic and fake positivity! Trying to snap out of it!

Yes, I have tried to engage in fake conversations all in an attempt to cover the emptiness, the hollowness that lives within me!

Yes I have been told by my loved ones that I am negative, not as hardworking, and that depression is happening because I am not like “x” and not “y” and I need to try and learn to be like them!

I have tried it all and I have failed!

I have not been able to stop being tearful!

I have not been able to feel better 

I have not been able to feel good 

I have not been able to concentrate

I have not been able to feel happy!

I had to accept finally, no matter whether others accepted it or not that I have depression! And no it’s not my fault! I am struggling badly with it just like any other illness!

And there are many causes of depression, past traumas, present neglect, emotional hurt, missed opportunities, genetics, health! And it’s no one's fault! No one chooses to be depressed!

I have been there before and I have survived this! This time I am working on it, no how others want me to by not even acknowledging, but for the first time by really accepting it and taking care of myself, as one would if they are unwell if they are going through something, not in their control!

I am taking therapy, it’s helping me sort my hurt emotions, my thoughts that deplete me, hurt that breaks me! 

I have learned to accept my broken self for the time being! I pat my back the day I am able to carry my basic tasks, where I am able to try something new! Even doing basic is tough with depression! And so I don’t throw myself in self-doubt! I know I’ll get out of this too, only if I acknowledge that it’s good even I get to manage my basics right now! Things will get better gradually and no, it doesn’t make me less than anyone! 

I have learned in therapy to 

Doing What Makes me Feel Good, Even If It Doesn’t Feel Good (Yet) I learned in therapy that when I am depressed, I have to think back to the things I previously found pleasurable, like getting coffee, talking to friends, or spending time outside. And making an attainable plan to do those things, perhaps a few times a week, even if I’d rather bury myself under blankets and weep. In this way, I am preventing myself from extending depression through my own avoidance.

The more I practice (previously) pleasurable activities, the more I slowly start to feel pleasurable again. In this way, I build yourself a path through my depressive episode. This process is difficult, so I remember to be gentle with myself!Therapy at iwill has helped me come to terms with the illness, the nature of it, the healing it would take, the self-care and rest if demands, the right effort it would take, and most importantly to stand for myself, for my happiness, for overcoming depression! 

I know I will overcome and survive as I have in the past time but this time with healing and recovery and self-compassion!

I say I Will!