You get a wife as an NRI husband, not an educated home help! I felt like that and it broke me!

IWill blogs

As soon as I landed in the USA after marriage with dreams of a very happy home, and a lot of independence, and love, my dreams started to shatter. My husband straight on the way back from the airport started attending to his work and job... When we reached home, there was barely any welcome... Everything looked so ordinary in comparison to what happens when a bride comes home for the first time after marriage... No music, no buzz, just emptiness.

While this was upsetting,I told myself that its a setup here where these things are not possible... And to compensate, there will be other things... 

But my hopes were about to be shattered. As days passed by, a lot of work was naturally dumped on me.. Mopping, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping... And there was little explanation or justification around this... It almost felt like this was assumed and this is why I am here...

 

The things said to me were, \"Pl cook this na.\" The plates would be kept in the sink, the living room TV would be switched on, and laundry would be thrown in the laundry box. And that's it!
 

Weekends would be with his friends, and they were no less than his in-laws. Here, there were the only ones whose support he had, so he gave them all extreme importance. The social circle would be nauseating. I wanted personal time with my partner. I wanted his love, and that only came when he wanted to be physical with me.

 

I was so depressed... When my family would call, they would ask with excitement how life in the USA is. 

And I knew nothing... There were buildings, there were cars... But my life... It had become so colorless, so loveless.

 

I felt like my existence meant nothing... I was here to clean, cook, and wash... An educated maid...

I was here to physically satisfy, not myself but him!
I was here to have a different kind of interfering circle, in the name of his friends and then his family back home too, who I had to please somehow!

I was breaking in this life, isolated, burdened, and carrying the weight of my broken dreams, the humiliation of each day.

And when I would talk, he would point out to a random friend's wife who does the same, how most women there do the same, completely negating my feelings and making me feel like I am the bad person.

 

But I expected love, I expected sharing household work, I expected to care, I expected a life where we had time together, we sat together doing nothing, just talking to each other...

I had imagined that his being alone in a different country would give us so much space to know, love, and care for each other...

I was so depressed that I would cry myself to sleep each day... I read an article at IWill Therapy... And I joined the sessions since I needed them...

My therapist at IWill empathized with me... For the first time in these many months, I could cry and speak my heart out to someone without being judged. 

She acknowledged the pain in this, the broken expectations, the life I had imagined and life this was... She also helped me see the problem was not the work but the lack of agency and thanklessness inherent in this design.

She motivated me to take the best of this opportunity of being in a new country for myself. She helped me see that I could focus on my career, on exploring a new world and new people... And while this was depressing for me given I had expected to do all of this with my husband , she helped me see nevertheless I was here and I needed to live for myself too and enrich and enhance and expand myself.

She also helped me realize that I must speak and connect to my friends back home... I needed social affinity and support.

She also helped me learn to assert myself without fights or without blaming my husband for why the things the way they were happening to me were bad. 

I started taking small steps on learning the city, exploring the bus ride, visiting the parks, seeing the culture and taking time for myself.

I started making myself less available by all the time being seen idle at home... I joined a course that would enhance my skill and it helped me a lot...

I started also asserting and asking for help with home chores with my partner... And also I started telling him how different our marriage from an ideal marriage was... 

 

My husband agreed to start IWill therapy with me... I have just started those sessions and I am hopeful something good will come out of these...

I don't cry or suffer the way I used to... I am in a better space...

Yet I will say that I am sure what I am going through is the pain of millions of women facing this each day... My message for them is to acknowledge, heal, stand up, assert....

You too and you definitely deserve the best life too! Not one where you start feel like an educated house help with your own husband.

Samyukhta Sharma 

If you are dealing with pain, a life that feels stuck, or one where you are not able to be your best version, if there is discord and hurt and pain in relationships thats breaking you, seek IWill therapy., Sessions are online and with the best and most empathic and experienced therapists in India. For booking and starting your sessions, download the app from link below and start therapy journey today