I am not competing with my mother-in-law for my husband. This expectation is highly toxic.

IWill blogs

When I got married

I was made to feel like I competed with my mother-in-law for my husband. Things like bhaiya spends time only with mom. He loves only her food. He likes to sleep in his lap. His morning starts with her only. He goes to the temple with her only would be said to me.

I would be made to feel like I had come here unwanted.

My husband would come straight from office, almost ignore me and just talk to his mom, making her feel special.

He would talk to me nicely when we were alone but would always pretend to not care, when his mom was around.

He would make some plans with me, only to be later cancelled for his mother.

He would buy one thing for me and to compensate, he would buy 2 for her.

He would just show over the top love for her, while making me feel like I didn’t exist.

Everyone else will also make me feel like I was in direct competition with my mother-in-law over everything.

Instead of getting parents and my life partner, I felt like I had come to  a toxic situation, where my husband was not willing to accept or embrace me and the person I felt would be by my mother, just made me feel like I was unworthy and a person she hated.

I was missing love at my home, the value I received. And when I compared to what was happening here, I felt like I had landed in a situation where love me.

I felt so unwanted, confused and I also felt was I wrong to be jealous of a mother son bond as a wife? Was I the problem? I wanted to just run away; I wanted to just be crying somewhere all the time in a corner.

I was feeling lifeless, loveless, unsure of my own feelings, guilty, angry all at the same time.

 

I joined IWill therapy online when I saw one of the lives on Facebook.

My therapist at IWill after listening to me helped me understand there was no need for me to feel guilty. I wasn’t coming between MOTHER AND SON. I WAS A WIFE WANTING TO BE LOVED LIKE A WIFE. I JUST GOT MARRIED AND ALL THE PAIN I WAS EXPERIENCING was because I wasn’t feeling the love I needed and that which was my right as wife.

 

She also understood my pain how these competitive points would drain me. She helped me focus on myself first. She said I had to find a way to focus on my work, connect with my friends, spend time with my family, with people who love me to gain strength and be able to manage the pain first.

She helped me see how no matter how hard this was, I WAS MORE IMPORTANT. I DIDN’T HAVE TO DECIDE MY SELF WORTH DUE TO A PROBLEMATIC DYNAMIC BETWEEN A SON AND MOTHER WHERE INSECURITY BETWEEN THEM WAS BEING PROJECTED TO HURT ME.

With her support and therapeutic sessions, I started seeing my self-worth and what I needed to do, despite this situation. I was not anymore allowing myself to be broken because of this competition. I was no longer a part of this problematic equation mentally.

When my husband started noticing my independence, he started feeling my drifting away, he started paying notice to me. He asked me what was happening and then consulting with my therapist,

I told him that we should seek couple therapy as I was hurt and broken and it needed fix and I needed to understand his side too.

He agreed to couple therapy at IWill. In therapy at IWill.

In therapy sessions, our therapist helped him see how would he feel if he was in such a competition with my father. She helped him see that I was his partner and that love and time with me was gonna make him happy too. That I was in his home for our bond.

She helped him see that this insecurity that was stemming for me needed to be addressed, not stopping the love and growth of a husband and wife relationship itself.

She also helped understand his emotions, why was expressing his love for me, becoming so difficult. He and his mother had a troubled childhood and the need to be the loving person in her life was complicated his role as a son and husband both.

She really helped him see my importance in his life and expression it needed.

She helped him see what pain was being caused to me through this toxic situation.

And my husband Arjun changed.

He would love me and talk to me no matter who was there.

He would take me out and make our plans. It brought him and me happiness.

Therapy at IWill helped me heal myself, understand that I wasn’t getting jealous but I was getting hurt due to ignorance, helped my husband realize my place in his life.

Its not ok for a wife to compete with her mother in law for her husband. She didn’t marry to be sidelined. She married to be center of the family that husband wife build together.

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